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Toxic guys in quarantine

I spend all my time talking to guys on my phone and I’m questioning my self-worth.

Shift your focus, says our elder. Anything you can do that is productive will help.

Dear EWC

I’ve gone through multiple cycles of meeting men and getting disappointed but I still do it over and over again. I must have introduced numerous guys to my friends and I’m sure that they know these guys won’t last very long. I’ve been single since 2018 and it makes me sad even though I shouldn’t. This quarantine is making it much worse for me and all I do with my phone is talk to guys. Most start off disappointing and sexual yet some do promise me a fruitful romantic relationship only to end up ghosting me after months or weeks with no explanation or very suddenly (so suddenly that our last conversation is very sweet and happy) and this makes me really question my worth. I am aware that this behavior is not good and I should keep away from it.

I thought I would be doing any better by deleting numbers and apps now but I hopelessly kept one guy in my Facebook. I talk to him every day. Mostly I start the conversations, always being the one to hash out topics. He’s my type and loves everything I adore in terms of interests. People say he’s shy and awkward with girls but sometimes I think he’s not that interested in me and just talks to me out of either pity or responsibility. So now I’m back to wanting to confront this dependency problem of mine because I’m sick of weighing myself, having to think what to say to impress a guy… I am so tired. I hate being a hopeless romantic with all these expectations, I just truly want someone to love me but I guess I can’t do without loving myself? I don’t know what to do to keep this toxic habit away.

M-Sharon replies

It comes down to the fact that you are lonely. Please don’t expect that conversations with a guy will end up in a good relationship. Reality is, relationships between us humans require face-to-face contact, and one-on-one conversations, in person. This is not happening until quarantine is over.

You can stop trying to impress a guy. That means you are truly not being yourself, but trying to be someone that you think a guy might like. You do have to love yourself first, before you can give love to others, I believe. It’s part of nurturing self-esteem.

The guys you are talking to are saying what they think you want to hear. No one can truly love someone until they actually meet the other person and truly get to know him or her. Finding the right guy should not be your first priority. There will be plenty of opportunities for that.
I would suggest you focus your interest away from guys and on to something that will help you in the future. Your future is the most important thing that you should focus on. Look at activities that will be productive: additional classes, volunteer work (soup kitchens, distributing food to the disadvantaged, helping package school lunches, church or charitable groups, etc). Whatever you can do that is productive will help you.

The goal is to not be self-absorbed, but to reach out to see how you can help others. Doing so gives you a feeling of accomplishment, which bolsters your self-esteem.

This is a hard time for all of us. A big adjustment for all.

I wish you great success.

Letter #: 461688
Category: Self-Improvement

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