But I’m not Korean. Also, I know it won’t make me happy.
Your letter is very insightful, says our elder. Why not put in the work to become someone worthy before chasing a dream of being idolized.
I really, really want to become a K-pop idol. And it’s really stupid. Now, if I were Korean and talented in singing and dancing, you would probably say, “Why is that stupid? That seems like a reasonable goal”. The problem is, I’m not even Korean, I’m Chinese. And I don’t know Korean. And though I love to dance, I can’t sing. I love writing raps and performing them to a mic, but I’m not mind-bogglingly good at it. If I really wanted to commit to this, I would have to drop out of school, learn Korean, learn singing, and learn dancing. It would be foolish to do a 180 degree on the direction I’m currently taking in my life to become a K-pop idol. I am delusional to think my current silly phase of wanting to be famous has anything against real talented, attractive individuals in the audition room who are willing to do anything they can to succeed.
Maybe you’re thinking: “Well, you don’t have to commit to this idea to explore it. Why not just audition online? It’s free, and it can satisfy your curiosity.” Well, to submit an online audition to a talent agency, I’m sure there would be legal paperwork for my parents to sign off on. My parents have never supported anything interests I’ve had and they would only laugh at me. So that’s out of the question. I thought by educating myself on the hardships of becoming a K-pop idol I could discourage myself, but it hasn’t worked. I thought the fact that I have a 0.00000000000001 percent chance of actually achieving this dream would discourage me.
Why do I want to become a K-pop idol? I don’t quite know, but for some reason, I want to be the one fans objectify and idolize. I want controversies about everything I say. I want to have people scream my name when they see me on stage. I want others to want me so bad that they indulge in fonline fanfictions to live out their fantasies with me. It seems that K-pop idols are desired more than anyone on this earth, and that’s why I specifically want to be a K-pop idol, not a model or actress. I don’t want people to respect me anymore, I want people to be obsessed with me.
There has to be some underlying psychological reason I suddenly want this. I used to be a reasonable individual who was satisfied with her own life, not wanting fame or money because she was happy with herself. I don’t know who that person is anymore. I would give anything to go back to her. I think it has something to do with power and recognition. I want power over myself and others. My parents restrict and belittle everything I say I do, to the point that me and my therapist agreed it was best for my mental health for me to spend as little time with them as possible. And though I’ll be a legal adult in two years, they still treat me like a dog. I know that even if a genie snapped his fingers and made my wish come true, I wouldn’t be happy.
This is something deeply psychological that has nothing to do with K-pop idols — I’m merely projecting my inner desires into a role so that I can give myself hope. Yet, my dream persists. Every day I wake up unhappy that I am not a K-pop idol. How do I stop turning my inner psychological problems into a desire to become a K-pop idol? How do I make my brain realize that even if this dream came true, I would not be happy?
Your letter is very, very, very insightful. Please reread it several times!
I get the impression you are young, like under 17/18. Realize that your brain doesn’t mature until about 25 years old! You seem to want fame and idolization before you have put in the work to become someone worthy.
You may be giving your ‘brain’ too much credit for knowing what you need. In my humble experience, I’ve often had to argue with my brain/urges. Your brain, I’d explain, doesn’t know it all… may know very little!
It is natural for some people to want to be idolized but, most realize that they need to do something (above and beyond) to deserve this.
Your parents may be trying their best to keep you focused on being productive. Pay attention! Productive? Being able to get a job that pays for a good lifestyle… I doubt they take into account fame and control and others being obsessed by you.
It may be that it would behove you to get an education now, and if you still desire, go into K-pop later. Consider this.
I hope I’ve been of some help. Feel free to write us anytime. Best wishes!
Letter #: 460238