They’re constantly on the phone, and she even FaceTimes him topless!

You’re going to have to talk with him, says our elder. This can’t continue.

Dear EWC

My husband is a huge momma’s boy. At first, I thought it was sweet how he would call his mother everyday, since she lives in another country. Now, they speak about five times a day. Phone calls, FaceTime, messages, he’s constantly talking to her. They talk about everything and nothing at the same time. “What did you have for lunch?” “I saw a cow on the side of the road in traffic today” “How many times did you poop today?”… He goes into every detail of our day and I find it annoying that he tells her everything. It doesn’t help that she has no boundaries either. She will FaceTime him topless like it’s normal, and apparently for him it is because he does not react. I am starting to see him differently because of this and it will definitely affect our marriage.

Hildegard replies

Topless FaceTiming? There’s nothing normal about this situation. It is nice that he’s close to his mother but — I agree with you — there is a limit, especially since she’s living in another country. (Be glad she’s not living across the street from you.) You’re going to have to have a talk with this man. Let him know that he should be giving all that attention to you, not to his mother.

You don’t mention how long the two of you have been married or how old you are. I assume that you or at least he is young. Consider some marriage counseling. This is an issue that I suspect will not change or get better without both of you agreeing that it is a problem that you need to get help with.

I know you must be kidding about some of your examples. And I’m glad that you can laugh about it. Definitely, keep your sense of humor. You’re going to need it. I suspect he thinks that his mother needs him to keep her company and to be there for her. But the reality is just the opposite. it is he who needs their super-close relationship. Otherwise he would take steps to separate himself from her and treat you as his partner. I can’t imagine what his growing up years must have been like to cultivate this situation but I encourage you to be kind to him and urge him gently to separate. This issue must certainly go back a long way and he’s not going to change it quickly or easily.

You don’t say so but part of this may be cultural. He may be from a country other than the US where adult children are closer to their parents than we are here. I think with marriage counseling he could be made to understand that this closeness with his mother is neither necessary nor healthy. Please arrange for a few sessions for you both to see someone together. If you don’t you will continue to resent this relationship and will, as you say, think less of your husband.

Letter #: 462042
Category: Marriage