He’s already married but wants to add another “wife.”

Our elder admits that the odds are not good for this delicate and difficult equation.

Dear EWC:

Hello. I’m married with two kids. But the girl I first wanted to marry is my cousin. We started dating when she was a teenager and now she’s 20-plus. We are still dating and I still love her. I’m working but currently in a rented apartment. What should I do? Should I let her go? Please kindly advise me on what to do.

Global-Advice says:

Without knowing the personalities and character of all the people involved, this is a very difficult question to answer well. But I’ll try to give you some things to think about. I’m sure that you realize that in my country, having two wives is not only uncommon it’s also illegal. It is true however, that some people (men and women) live in “open relationships” where what you are contemplating takes place.

Here are some things to think about. Jealousy exists. So each of the wives will want at least their “fair share” of money, time, love, and attention. Many men in a single woman marriage claim that it is impossible to keep one woman happy. If true, imagine how hard it is to please two.

Successful relationships are built on full, open, and honest communication. This means everyone needs to be on the same page with expectations of how this family operates. That means about how children are conceived and raised, and how you and the wives will treat all of the offspring. Finances are always an issue with family, as all must feel that they are fairly treated.
Another issue will be the extended family, with grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins on each of the wives and their expectations. Whether you live in one household or two is also an issue to be successfully involved.

I’d suggest that before you proceed, you have conversations with each of the wives. You need to talk to them separately, together and they need to talk without you present and reach fair and acceptable agreements on all these issues. If you can do that, you have a chance of this working.

If anyone of the three parties cannot find a successful and acceptable arrangement in advice, this will only end in heartache for all of you. If everybody does not agree, no one will end up happy. You need to know in advance that the odds are not with you, but it is possible.

I hope you can work it out so everyone is happy. Good luck.

Marriage
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