I want to break up with my boyfriend but he’s the only escape from my toxic household.

You’re not being fair to him, says our elder. Start planning now and reach out for help to build a life of your own.

Dear EWC

This is gonna make me seem like a horrible person and selfish but I just want to have a secure future because things for my family have been really bad. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years so I’m super comfortable with him but we fight all the time. I think I’m ready to end it because I’m not sure if the love is there anymore. But the main problem is that if we break up I have no chance of getting out of my horrible and toxic household. I currently can’t drive or have a car but my boyfriend does, so I need him for a job if I ever get one so I can finally move out of my parent’s house. I’m just relying on him way too much and I know I don’t have to but I feel like to get through the rest of my adult life I have to stay with him. What should I do?

Danray replies

I’m sorry to hear that you have a “horrible and toxic household”. This must be very difficult for you and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I understand why it’s important to get out on your own and that you may be relying on your boyfriend now. To make matters worse, your relationship with your boyfriend is not good and you don’t know how to move forward. I understand your question and glad you reached out for help.

You didn’t provide your age, details regarding the toxic home life, why you can’t drive, etc… therefore, I’ll do my best to give you some thoughts. First, I’m not sure if your toxic home life can be addressed but I hope you know there are resources available to help families through whatever challenges they may be going through. There is counseling, school assistance, child support services, money along with food stamps, etc., available. I would try to help your family if you think there’s any chance that these services can help you or any member of your family.

I agree that eventually you need to get to a point in your life where you can provide for yourself. As you are finding out, you can’t always rely on someone else (family or boyfriend) to be there for you. It’s not fair to you and frankly to your boyfriend to keep him around so that you have someone to rely on. A relationship with someone should be built on trust, honesty, a sense of independence, respect, communication, etc., and I get the sense that the relationship with your boyfriend is not reflecting that. My advice would be to find a way (without your boyfriend) to either finish school if you haven’t and/or find a job that will eventually give you the opportunity to move out on your own and to learn to drive and afford a car. This may take some time and you may have to be in your situation for a little while longer but you need to start putting money aside and a plan to get you there.

I know that you said you have no other options except your boyfriend but what about another relative, a close friend or family that you know, maybe someone within a church or look into social services that can offer assistance? I mentioned family services earlier but there are also other social services available to individuals who need help and you should not hesitate to look into them. I know it’s easy to stay with your boyfriend but do you really want to stay with someone you don’t love because you “need him”? That’s not the way to base your relationship. He will eventually resent that role and you will be disappointed in yourself for doing this to him and yourself. Therefore, go out to the web and just search for family assistance or family services and see what comes up in your area. I think you’ll be surprised to learn that you aren’t alone and that others have gone through what you’re experiencing.

In summary, try to investigate other resources available to you. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out for help. In the long run this is what you need to do and the right thing to do.
Hope this helps and I wish you the best going forward.

Letter #: 454873
Category: Dating/Relationship