When cheating isn’t the issue

Unfounded accusations. Physical altercations. Our elder has some serious concerns about this relationship.

Dear EWC:

My boyfriend thinks I have been cheating on him and we have been together for about nine months now. The entire time he was and is accusing me of cheating. Which I have never done. I feel like he is very insecure about everything. I am unsure of what to do.

We got into a physical fight on multiple occasions. I know I should just probably just leave but I don’t want to. I really do love him. The way I see it, leaving proves his point that I did cheat which is all false. So if you could help me and tell me what to do that would be great.
Also, I work all the time, too tired to cheat and so on etc. Thanks can’t wait to hear back from you.

JanLyn replies:

The cheating issue isn’t the main one, as I see it. The primary problem is where you and he have been in physical fights “on multiple occasions”. My guess is he’s larger than you and therefore you’re in great danger, don’t you agree? Couples should never, never fight physically. It’s very dangerous to do so and the two people lose all respect for each other.

As for whether you should “just leave”, you mention that it would prove you did cheat. Who cares? If you leave, what he thinks should mean nothing to you. At the same time, you say you love him no matter what he does to you. He accuses you of cheating, the entire time you’ve been together. He’s insecure about everything; not your problem. And he fights you physically, most likely emotionally and verbally as well. Staying with him could put you in danger. I hope you will agree.

What you’ve described is a relationship that’s toxic. It isn’t the way two people should be with each other. You and he have been together for less than a year. What do you see happening in the next year, two years, five years, etc? Not good, in my view.

You should not have to explain or defend yourself about cheating. Either he is going to believe the most important person in his life or he isn’t. And if he isn’t, are you the most important person in his life, or is HE the most important person in his life? He questions everything and wants it all his way. That is not a good way to live, right? Plus, it demonstrates that what he wants is more important than keeping the relationship solid and caring.
I hope you will reevaluate this relationship. I see serious problems in it unless he goes to a counselor where he can learn how to trust and value his girlfriend. Right now he’s not doing that at all. Do you believe he’s the type of man to go for therapy?

My specific advice for you is to seriously consider leaving. Yes, I’m basing that on only a few sentences from you. However, over the many years I’ve worked with Elder Wisdom Circle, I’ve come to recognize all sorts of problems from little information. And I see this guy as someone who isn’t good for you. Remember that loving someone should take into consideration how they treat you, how they place your safety over their own, how they treat you with the utmost respect, kindness and love. You’ve said you love him. Do you believe he really loves you? And if he says he does, what does he mean by love? Is it a safe love?

I hope a few of my thoughts will be helpful for you in coming to terms with what’s going on in your relationship and then proceeding in a safe and wise way. Remember that people do not change, however, if things aren’t going well, they can get worse. And that is my worry about you. I see this relationship as a dangerous one for you. Please, please take good care of yourself, be safe and be well.


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