She left me heartbroken

Seven months into an amazing relationship and now she’s with someone new…

Our elder has a few ideas for picking up the pieces of a broken heart.

Dear EWC:

So, my girlfriend and I met online. I know what you’re probably thinking, but it really was great. We are amazing for each other. She even saved my life. We had been dating for about 7 months. All of a sudden, she said she needed to figure out who she is without me in her life as she had a horrible childhood. We broke up, but I got over that real quick because she asked me to wait for her. I had absolutely no problem with that, that’s what I was going to do anyway because I love her.

However, a week later she said that she was seeing someone, which really hurt. I thought maybe she wanted to try dating without a relationship, so I accepted it. Only 2 days later, she says that she is with him and that they had sex. We had sex before, but I
thought she never would go that far with him.
That’s when I broke.

She says that it just happened. I was hoping she would break up with him, but she’s still with him. And I feel torn. I know for a fact that she loves me; she loves me so much. I need her back. I can’t really be upset because we weren’t together. But I can’t help but feel broken. What should I do?

Dot replies:

I’m sorry that you have been hurt after being together for seven months. It had to hurt when she told you she needed time to figure out who she was. You mention that she had a horrible childhood. If she hasn’t dealt emotionally with those issues I would think it would be hard for her to sustain a relationship. Right now I would suggest giving her some space to try to work through her feelings. Maybe you can encourage her to contact a therapist to start the process of healing from her childhood hurts.

Take this time to take care of yourself. You mentioned that she saved your life. I’m not sure what that means, but is there something you can do to help you be more self-sufficient or increase your happiness? Take this time to focus on your needs. Do you have something that you enjoy doing that you have been putting off? Do you take time every day to be aware of the things that you are thankful for? Each day I try to look at the positive things in my life, even when I don’t feel especially positive. I will take a walk and find things in nature to appreciate. I look at a butterfly, wildlife, or even a beautiful sunrise. It helps put me in a more mindful frame of mind. Right now if you can live in the moment, you may still be able to see a possible future with her. Maybe that will help fix that broken feeling in you.

Is there someone you can talk with about your feelings? Sometimes just putting words to your feelings can be helpful. Just by writing, you have taken a good first step. I think time will tell if you will be able to repair your relationship, but I doubt that will happen until some of the issues of the past are addressed. Trust is such a vital part of loving someone. If you decide to continue to support her do so without expectations. Try to move forward with your life. At some point, you may find a way to support each other or even be together again. Only time will tell. Whatever happens, you deserve a loving relationship where trust is a vital part. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.


One Comment

  1. Любовь Reply
    December 6, 2020

    Someone who has been particularly helpful to me these past couple months is a friend I’ll call Kate, who, on the evening that the breakup went down, said something I found really valuable: “You are a machine now. You are going to have to be a robot for a while. But eventually, your humanity will start to trickle back, and you will start over.” She slept over at my apartment that night, and when I woke up, I found she had written out a list of the things I had to do that first day: “Brush your teeth; eat something; take a shower; call me.” I did it all, robotically. I did not feel like myself, but rather someone acting like myself. There are still moments when I feel this way. There is a rulebook of things you are supposed to do after a breakup to help distract yourself, heal, and move on. You’re supposed to immerse yourself in work, and to use your sadness as a creative force. You’re supposed to have mindless hot sex with randoms, or become preoccupied with a passionate rebound. You’re supposed to eat healthfully and exercise. But I’m pretty sure whoever established these rules had never been dumped, because when you’re really low, these things seem near impossible. I can barely form a cohesive thought, which means working is basically impossible. I doubt any sane person would want to have sex with me, given the state that I’m in. The sad truth is, the only way to get over the pain of a breakup is time. You can’t expedite the process.

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