Am I straight? Or not…

She’s not sure. Her friend thinks it’s a joke. Mom and dad are too traditional to ask.

Our elder steps in with answers to all the questions!

Dear EWC:

I think I’m questioning my sexuality. I’ve had dreams where I’ve fantasized about doing sexual things with girls. I usually watch lesbian porn. I feel more comfortable with gal-friends than guys, and I play-flirt with them.

But my bisexual friend keeps making jokes about me being bi, and he’s constantly shipping me with my female-friend. He’s a good friend of mine, but I don’t like how his jokes make me question myself even more. It’s actually getting annoying. Plus it’s getting so old. Telling him to stop will make him poke fun at me more. I’ve only had crushes on guys so far, yet once in a while I sexually fantasize about girls.

Is it just me being curious, like a phase? Is social distancing during the pandemic just making me touch-starved for any affection? How on Earth do I know?

My mom is very traditional, and my dad will agree with everything my mom says. She cares about me, but is still getting used to the LGBTQ community. So I can’t ask for her help. 1. How do I make my friend stop making these jokes? 2. Am I just being easily influenced by my friends and getting easily offended? 3. How do I know I’m not straight? Thanks so much!

ConstanceF replies:

Without knowing how old you are, or how sexually experienced you are, it’s kind of hard to give solid advice because sexuality is actually a somewhat fluid thing, not quite the black and white, straight or gay, kink or no kink that people try to make it out to be.
So starting with No. 3 first, you won’t know you’re not straight unless and until you become involved in a serious romantic, sexual relationship with a person of the same sex, and then never deviate from that. And trust me when I tell you that I know a lot of lesbians, and almost all of them have had sex with men at least once in their lives for reasons other than procreation. By the same token, I’ve known a number of gay men who have had sex with women and have even gotten married to women, although most of them were still in the closet and did so in order to have better “camouflage”. In the long term, it doesn’t really matter as long as you are happy in your body and in your head.

I have personally been involved with men most of my life, but met a woman (a confirmed lesbian) a few years ago, that I really love. So I think that the main point is that you love whomever you love, the best way you can, and respect other people for their choices knowing that they are doing the same.

As to No. 2, I’m going to assume that you are relatively young. It is my impression and observation that gender lines are a lot more fluid these days than they were when I was young. So while you might be influenced by your friends, the media is also a huge influence. People are much more candid than they once were, but like your mom and dad, not everyone is ready for this kind of openness in their own family. If you have a generally loving, close relationship with your folks but you’re not comfortable talking to them about this stuff, then don’t. I doubt they discuss their sex lives with you; you don’t need to discuss yours with them. Unless and until you’re really serious about someone, the folks do not have to be privy to your private thoughts.

Last, No. 1. I think that your buddy is probably rather uncertain of his own sexuality and is taking out his own thoughts of inadequacy on you. If you can find it in yourself to laugh at his words, or throw them back at him, it will probably shut him down. If you get all hot and bothered he’ll probably just renew his attacks with extra vigor. Who knows? Maybe he’s secretly crushing on you and this is his clumsy way of feeling out your feelings for him. Boys, particularly teen boys, can be pretty stupid when it comes to affairs of the heart.

So in short, don’t worry too much about your fantasies. They are just that. Maybe someday you’ll get a chance to act on them and at that time you can decide whether it’s something you really want to do, or if it’s just kind of titillating to think about. Just let time tell, and if you ever, ever are uncomfortable or feel that something isn’t “right”, then stop and excuse yourself out of the situation.

I hope this helps. If we can further assist, please write again. Best wishes for a bright future and a fortunate new year.


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