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Are they both in the wrong?

She reconnected with an old BF. Her current beau hacked her phone and found out. She’s feeling guilty. He kicked her out. 

Find out why our elder’s not so sure these two belong together. 

What’s your take on this rocky relationship?

Dear EWC:

My boyfriend of three years recently found out (by going through my phone) that I’d been talking to my ex-boyfriend for a little over two weeks. It all started on my birthday when my ex texted me to wish me well and sometimes the conversation got very nostalgic and lewd. It was something between two old pals talking and a stroke on the ego. 

I feel guilty but as those conversations meant absolutely nothing to me, I never mentioned anything to my boyfriend; he is a very explosive and jealous guy. When he found out, he automatically assumed I’ve been having an affair with my ex for the past three years, that I was emotionally invested in that, and that I was making plans to leave my boyfriend and go be with my ex. My ex has a girlfriend of over a year that he is happy with. 

I was immediately kicked out of the house, without a chance to explain anything. He proceeded to block me on every possible channel (phone, social media, even LinkedIn). I am heartbroken. I haven’t eaten for three days. I am ashamed and filled with regret. I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me, I just wanted to part ways in a more grown-up way. He also had all my stuff delivered the next morning, including every gift and knick-knack I have ever given him during our three years together. Please help me. Please text him on my behalf. He is the love of my life, and I can’t stand this situation.

Danray replies:

I’m sorry to hear that you recently broke up with your boyfriend of three years and I can understand how difficult this must be for you. Most of us can relate to having conflicts in our relationships but to have this must emotion, anger and rejection by one partner without discussing any issue(s) is unfortunate. So what can you do?

As I read your letter, it appears to me that both of you have behaved in a way that doesn’t reflect a healthy/positive relationship. You admitted that you felt guilty having conversations with your ex-boyfriend and that they got “nostalgic and lewd.” Your boyfriend, even though he was hurt, was wrong in not talking to you about his feelings and basically throwing you out of the house. Also, sending you your positions and blocking you on all social media was immature and shows a lack of respect for you. Frankly, I’m not sure if either one of you is in a position to support a healthy/committed relationship right now. 

I know this is hard but I would let your current boyfriend cool off. Hopefully in the not too distant future you will have the opportunity to apologize to him for not sharing that your ex reached out to you and, while you didn’t see it as “cheating” on him, you understand why he would be hurt. Regardless, your boyfriend has no excuse for acting the way he did and not sitting down with you and having an open/honest discussion about what happened and how to move forward. His actions also were wrong and at some point he needs to understand and accept that fact. 

You should learn from this and understand what you did was wrong but you also saw a side of your boyfriend that you needed to see. Your relationship has some issues that need to be addressed by both of you. If he won’t talk or continues to not acknowledge his own bad behavior, then frankly it is time to move on. I know this may be hard to accept but both of you need to be in a position to support a healthy/positive relationship and sometimes people just aren’t ready to do that.  

I hope this helps and I wish you the best going forward.  

Dating/Relationship

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