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He’s not even my boyfriend!

This guy I’ve been talking too is way too clingy. How can I get him off my back? 

Tell him you’re not interested, says our elder. Be determined but firm.

 

Dear EWC

So to start off, I’ve been talking to a guy for eight months now. We’re both 22. I haven’t met him in real life yet. We just spoke through the phone. At first, I was mutually interested in him up until I saw him interacting with other girls (through social media). I asked him about this, his response was, “I only talk to them for a max 1 month”, followed by, “You’re the only girl I’m serious about/want to spend my life with. And, ‘You’re the only girl who could break my heart, if you leave me I’ll be devastated”. He drops the love bomb very frequently. Which didn’t make sense to me. He’s always texting me, and would often times ask me if I was talking to someone new if I had replied too late, to which I told him I wasn’t. His response would be “No.. it’s fine if you are. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I can handle emotional pain.” However, he would still giving me a hard time if I simply interact with a guy online in a platonic manner. He would say, “I have high expectations of you.” He would ask me what I did the whole day, if I ate, what did I eat, what I was doing. 

I always took this as a simple act of care and didn’t put too much thought behind it. But now it seems like it could’ve been a masqueraded as one. I’m not sure though. Then, he would check who I was following on social media, and if I had an interaction with another conventionally attractive male, he would have a strong visceral reaction and inquire me about it in a passive aggressive way, threatening to stop talking to me because he thought I didn’t care about him. He constantly “jokes” about us having kids, getting married, meeting his parents, he would say, “Tell your mom I said hi.” And yeah, it made me uncomfortable. (Side note: I think he wants to me “wait” for him to stop playing around with other girls, stating that he’ll naturally “change” once he’s in his later 20s and wants to settle down.) I want to know how to get him off my back permanently. He wants to meet me in person, but I’m holding it off because I don’t want to continue this relationship. How do I do it without it having be suspicious or too abrupt?

 

PicklesMarie replies

Keep holding off on meeting him in person. That is a good positive thing for your self preservation! 

You do not need this fellow in your life. He doesn’t appear to care much for you, despite his verbalizations. Talk, as they say, is cheap. He probably would like to keep you from seeing/talking to other boys. You don’t, however, have to do so. It is this fellow who has, despite playing around with other girls, claimed you as his prize. Start backing away by telling him (this will take courage… just a little) that you do not see having kids with him or getting married to him or, even, meeting his parents… you could just say you are not ready. 

His claim that he’ll be devastated if you leave him is just that: a claim. He doesn’t care whether he waves other girls around in front of you claiming he’ll stop playing around with them later. If I were you I wouldn’t believe that for a minute!

Now bolster up your courage. You are the one who needs to back this boy off. You need to tell him you’re not interested. 

Once you do that (tell him you’re not interested) be prepared for fireworks. He may threaten self harm. Have the number of a suicide prevention helpline that’s available where he on hand and ready. He may threaten to harm you. Stick around with friends. 

I remember a co-worker who would ‘joke’ about us having kids. It bothered me and made me feel unsafe. With this particular guy this was his idea of being ‘friendly’. Of course, I didn’t find it to be a joke and didn’t find it friendly. Pay attention to your instincts! 

And try not to be too too sensitive to his feelings. I found that the kind of guy who would say such things really didn’t care about me.

So I think the best you can do is tell this fellow politely, but, bluntly that you are not interested in him. Your current silence might be interpreted as acceptance or, even, interest. You are going to have to speak up. If you have supporters out there… like, hopefully, your parents or a grandparent or adult relative or some friends (take friends with a ‘grain of salt’) as they are not as wise as adults. 

I hope I’ve been of help. Such fellows as this one can be difficult to untangle from. Be determined and firm. I wish you the best on your journey. Don’t be afraid to write for another elder’s advice. Most of us have been through this sort of thing. Be strong!

Article #: 472048

Category: Dating/Relationship

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