A letter writer is scared to face adulthood and despairs of finding his significant other.
Our elder has some ideas (with a little help from the TV show Sense8).
Dear EWC
Dearest kind stranger, I have a terrible migraine as I am writing this letter. I had to study but I found myself laying my forehead on my book with tears in my eyes as soon as I realized that I was in complete denial. I simply don’t want to grow up. Don’t get me wrong, I do not act like a child and I am certainly not immature but I’m also not ready to face adulthood. Bills and taxes scare me. Getting a job is a terrifying thought itself. I am almost 19 years old and I don’t know what to do with life. They say go with the flow but that’s complete bullshit because I don’t know in which direction I should go. I am lost. I look at my friends and see them seeking jobs out there and posting pictures of their significant other. It gives me a harsh reality check. Not that I am jealous or anything. It just reminds me of my mother saying that I would not be able to do anything with my life. I selected the self improvement category because I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know where I would stand in the near future regarding my career. I don’t think I would be able to meet my soulmate (I am so indecisive and picky. If you watched Sense8, I would like to find the Amanita to my Nomi). I just feel so lost and useless right now.
Pure-Sue replies
So you are ready to improve your life, that’s amazing. Step one is already completed. You made a decision. And allow me to add, there is nothing wrong with you. You may feel lost and useless right now but from your informative letter you reveal wisdom, kindness, and a normal desire to lead a happy life. So immediately toss those other thoughts in the trash and let’s get you on another thought wave.
Of course you have migraine headaches. With continuous thoughts like yours, you are not really going to find answers, just more of what you are presently experiencing. Have you ever noticed that pattern? I’m glad you had the wisdom to put your head down, not to surrender but to compose your thoughts and write in for guidance.
To accept and express that you are in denial is a huge step forward. Take it as such. Congratulate yourself for it. It’s good to know you are picky. That in itself brings clarity and a reason to feel better and that is what you are after to feel better and clearer. Not necessarily a job or a direction at this moment. All that comes in stages when you get clear and happy.
So how do you get clear and happy when you’re not feeling that way? I will explain more as you read on because no one or thing will take the place of happiness when you own it yourself.
I don’t see you as acting like a child at all. Instead, I see you as acting a bit too adult. As if you are stuck in a life story you no longer want to be in while all along you are only 19, with a whole full life ahead of you to discover and live.
The object is to make life a happy one by loving what you do and doing what you love, with those that inspire you and you them. That is your life goal. The rest is all specifics and those specifics fall into place when you are clearer and ready and when you allow that happiness in.
In order to know what you do want through times like these, you begin to get clear about what you don’t want. And that’s where you are finding yourself. It’s a fine place to be but not to linger too long in or you will get muddled there.
I don’t blame you for not wanting bills and taxes. No one does! I tell my cats all the time how fortunate they are as cats. Perhaps you don’t want the material things as much as those around you and feel nature or living minimally more appealing. Investigate that?
This brings me to share wise advice that I hope you can begin to habitualize. In order to have a life you desire, a personal loving romance and to find a job that you are willing to put your time and energy into is a challenge worth discovering.
Being present means being conscious of your feelings and actions and finding peace with them. I ask you to look the word up. Being present with where you are, be that in school, at a job, at a party, eating lunch, doing the dishes, vacuuming, showering, all have merit if you have the correct attitude.
The attitude I speak of is to find in any task an ease and flow. Yes, a flow. If you are not flowing with the task you are flowing against it and that is where the bumps are found that keep you stuck in the fear of what the future holds. Flow is also called being present.
Through self inquiry you can witness what you’re complaining about and acknowledge that it is taking up more energy and time than just doing the task at hand. Self inquiry can guide you to answers and lead you to find a more soothing place to rest your head and heart.
So, your friends are seeking jobs and a social life. I agree with you, how wonderful for them. Have you spoken with any of your friends to see how they truly feel? Not the posts you are reading. They are so very one sided.
Do you have a close friend you can trust with your emotions and concerns? Perhaps they have them too and only look satisfied. Either way I’m sure they also are not looking forward to bills and taxes and may feel much like you do to your surprise.
If you can alter your perspective from gloom to possibilities and not in huge leaps but instead slow and steady at first, something will begin to happen within you and opportunities will begin to surface and you will get excited and renewed and begin finding truths about yourself you have either not asked or are hiding that you would love to experience.
Fear of failure may be holding you back and again you are not alone there. Most people are fearful of the unknown. None of us moves at the same speed, has the same family chemistry, or sees things exactly the same. That is where honoring another and oneself comes in. Acceptance that we are all unique and different while also the same. This is a personal dance you get to have and without understanding what I am sharing, life can be even more difficult.
Parents worry for their children and then for themselves about their children. Sometimes they compare and though none of that solves the issue at hand still fall prey to such behaviors.
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. Forgive your mom for leading you to believe that you will not be able to do anything in life. Those are her limitations. You have a choice to believe her or begin to look deep within yourself and believe in yourself and alter any perspective you have learned.
Perhaps you can work on this with your mom, once you begin to get a little clearer. It can prove to be a good way to experience another aspect of your relationship together. One that fosters support and understanding instead of fear and worry. And if that does not seem possible right now, you can do this on your own imagining that perhaps she was never allowed to think of herself this way so this is the only way she knows. But that’s not stopping you right?
At 19, you believe you should have all the answers and be able to work this out on your own and that isn’t true. It takes friendships and family and elders and a different mindset then what you are presently experiencing.
Perhaps what you have witnessed in your family history is something you don’t want to repeat and you don’t wish to offend. It is important to honor your feelings with yourself nonetheless, or you will find yourself In the situation years from now with resentment and anger.
I ask you to write down a list of desires you want for yourself. Writing them down is concrete, you can see it, you can revisit it and you can meditate on it which just means contemplating those thoughts to discover if they are really true. Sometimes we just believe something is true when it is us we need to question and what we believe.
This list is only for you right now as it will change as you do, so be open and honest with your heart. Also, write what you do not want like the bills and taxes and stress of ownership. Write down the relationship like on Sense8 with its connections, diversity’s differences, possibilities.
To be honest I have not seen the show but with your recommendation I did investigate it and will definitely take a look. It sounds like a show promoting much of what I am sharing here.
Though that is TV, it is possible to have relationships that both stimulate and honor and respect. We all need to be our best or at least aiming for higher ground before we can find it in another.
Amanita and Nomi do have a beautiful relationship. And if you are a woman and you’re feeling love for another woman, honor and inquire within that information as well. If you are gay and have not shared that truth that too is resting heavy on your heart and mind.
Or perhaps you are simply wanting the type of relationship they shared by standing up in defense for another, a real bond and strength. Breathe a few deep breaths as I just did writing here and allow for some free space to enter your thoughts and heart and allow that good feeling to be present with that thought.
Spend time with your list and expand upon your feelings over the next few days and weeks. Breaking apart how you feel by honoring your feelings which lend opportunity to be concrete about a few or even one thing. Why don’t you like taxes and bills? Is it because you have seen in person the pressures it causes or because you don’t like supporting a government? Two very different perspectives.
Everything you do from now on should be with respect to realizing and kindly modifying you. Turning around the emptiness you feel with self discovery and the excitement of knowing why you feel what you feel and altering those feelings to fit you better for right now, and now and now.
Simple inquiry leads to deeper inquiry and loving yourself for the qualities you alone hold. Use kind words about yourself to yourself and about others.
You are unique. From reading your letter I can immediately feel how very powerful you know you can be. TV shows bring up those concepts so we have to remember that they are TV shows and not real stories but we can come close. They are someone’s idea after all..
Being happy with everything you do is a task I invite you to undertake. Constantly remind yourself throughout the day by asking what task am I on? What am I feeling during this task? And changing your emotion to soothe you. Don’t let too much time pass before you ask those questions otherwise those negative thoughts get bigger.
Do you want to meet that special someone or someone unsure and stuck as you imply you are? I say that because in order to meet that person male or female, you need to be special within yourself to a good degree first. In order to make a supporting and loving match with another you need to feel that way about yourself to some degree. It’s weird how we are not taught this stuff early in life!
Get serious about knowing yourself. Doing some inner work to define what really turns you on without the next thought being “that will never happen.” It’s really simple, it’s really all we ever need to do to have a foot in the door of happiness, great relationships, exciting employment that uses your great skills and inspires both you and others.
I know I threw a lot at you here because I feel you can catch what I threw. I also know you can do this. Time to believe in yourself in small steps and with excitement. It’s always a choice!
Forgive your mom, and feel better as you write and get better acquainted with yourself. Reach out to friends if you feel comfortable and consider talking to a professional if you have the desire to do so. Inquiry is important. Honor yourself dear one!
Reach out to me if you want some self-help guides. Tell me how you’re doing and ask for more. It will be my pleasure to help you further.
Article #: 475668
Category: Self-Improvement