I don’t feel comfortable going there yet. Should we break up?
Listen to your instincts, says our elder, and find someone who respects your boundaries.
Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a month but I feel like I know him so much, and I truly do love him and I think that the problem I am having. So lately all he’s been asking is S E X and he knows that I am a virgin and I honestly just don’t feel comfortable having it any time soon. But every time we hang out that’s all he wants to do and I’ve told him how I felt too, but not to make him feel bad. I do some things for him to make him feel ‘good’. I just don’t know because we also argue over the little things too. And on top of that my cousin is a witch and she has this weird feeling about him and I don’t know how to take that. Like is that my sign to break up with him. I don’t know. Someone, please help!
Hi, Jay. My name is Elder Willow and I’m a volunteer with the Elder Wisdom Circle. From what you describe, it’s no wonder you have questions about this boy. I’m glad you wrote. Let’s see if I can help.
I don’t know from your letter how old you and your boyfriend are, but I will assume you are both teens. As you probably know, boys’ hormones are raging during their teen years and the kind of pressure he’s putting on you to have sex or “make him feel good” isn’t unusual. But that doesn’t make it right. You say in your letter that you don’t want to have sex anytime soon, and you are absolutely correct to listen to your own feelings and say no. If it isn’t right for you, it isn’t right. Period. Nobody has the right to push you into a decision you aren’t ready for. I know there is a tendency today for teens to start dating and jump directly into sex. But I wish you could see the hundreds of letters we receive here at EWC from teens just like you who gave in against their own wishes to make a boyfriend happy. The overwhelming number of those letters tell us how they regret giving their “first time” to some boyfriend who kept pressuring them, rather than waiting until it felt like the right thing to do. Most had regrets that they could no longer have that first experience with someone who loved them for who they were and not just someone who could make themselves feel good and then brag about it later. We hear from many young people who tell us they gave into that pressure and then regretted it because it didn’t happen for the right reasons, and because their partner dropped them as soon as they got what they wanted.
I know you feel you love this boy, and I know what that feels like; I’ve been there, too. But what I’ve learned over my years of life, looking back on those teen “loves”, is that they aren’t love at all. It just feels that way when you’re going through it. Love, real and lasting love, takes a great deal of time to develop. It means spending significant time together, seeing each other in good times and bad, and learning to support and trust completely, without doubts. In my experience, it isn’t possible for real, mature love to develop in a month of dating. You like him a lot, but when you do truly find love and you look back on this time in your life, I wouldn’t be surprised if you feel differently about your current relationship.
Jay, for me the bottom line is this: whether with this boyfriend, or some future boyfriend, stand up for yourself and your principles. Don’t ever do anything, sexually or otherwise, that you don’t want to do. Don’t ever give in to anyone who pressures you to do something you are uncomfortable with. If a guy respects you and respects your boundaries, that’s the kind of guy you want to be with. He will wait until it’s right for both of you.
Your letter tells me your boyfriend continues to pressure you even though you’ve made it clear to him that you are not ready for sex. If he can’t respect that, he is not worthy to be your boyfriend. My advice to you is to drop him. There are plenty of other guys out there who will respect your wishes and do what it takes to make you happy, instead of insisting on having their own way despite your objections. Listen to your heart, Jay, and don’t give in. Believe me, you’ll be happy you didn’t.
I hope my perspective has been helpful to you, Jay. If I’ve missed anything or you have something to add, feel free to send me a follow-up letter. Thank you for writing to the EWC.
Article #: 473329