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It’s just platonic, right?

My boyfriend is a bit too close to a female friend for comfort; should I say something? 

Yes, says our elder – but be prepared for the outcomes.

 

Dear EWC

Hello, my situation involves my boyfriend and one of his friends who is a girl. This girl Alanna I have known since I was a teen and he’s known since teenage years but was closer and he would sleep over her house after work. He liked her but she was into girls at the time. Recently in the past two years they’ve become close again. He had been going over to her house to talk about a situation where one of his guy best friends lied about being single and tried to do stuff with her and my boyfriend was the one to let her know he was not single. (I’m not very confident in thinking she had no idea he had a girlfriend… social media pictures are everywhere) but it affects my relationship because my boyfriend’s best friend didn’t know he was telling Alanna the truth about his friend. Which then ended that. But when she calls my boyfriend… My boyfriend told me they purposely only talk to each other when I’m not there (this makes me feel extremely uncomfortable) like they have some sort of secret. He mentioned that she is “scared” of me also. Should I even try to talk to her or just see how it plays out; also do you believe that a platonic relationship exists without motives?

 

Paul-Dad replies

It is very reasonable for you to believe that your boyfriend’s relationship with Alanna is closer than you’d like it to be. You mention that he formerly “slept over” in her house before your relationship. He still visits her house to privately “discuss various issues”, and he communicates with her regularly and usually at times that they know you aren’t around. 

Yes, all of this may be innocent, but when healthy young men and women are regularly together in private amicable situations, nature has a way to jump start the situation beyond just friendly chatting. 

I believe you should talk to your boyfriend and relay your discomfort with this relationship. Yes, you can admit that you are jealous of the time, attention, and emotional closeness that he is giving to his friend. It doesn’t mean that he can’t maintain a friendship with her, speak to her when their paths cross, or remain casual friends on social media, but the private visits to her house and long phone calls are unacceptable to you. 

You might tell him that you’d be glad to socialize as two couples, you and your boyfriend, and Alanna, with a date of her choice. Otherwise, his relationship with her that stretches the limits of casual platonic friendship, is not going to work with you. No more visits to her house unless you’re with him. 

If you have this talk, you must realize that it could cause a fight or even a relationship ending. Don’t go there unless you’re prepared for those outcomes. In my opinion, though, it’s time for you to have this talk, and to raise these issues. Do so in a kind and affectionate tone. Stay away from accusations, emphasize that it’s your feelings, your hurt, and your love for him that is driving the issue. You might be pleasantly surprised. 

Good luck to you. Remember that we’re always here for you, and your friends at EWC. 

Article #: 470025

Category: Dating/Relationship

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