I love my girlfriend but I’m scared she’ll leave me for her ex.
Her ex isn’t the problem, says our elder; it’s your fear of rejection. Here’s how you can build your self-esteem.
Dear EWC
I just need to talk to someone about this, so I had a crush on a girl named (Nicole) for almost two years but I didn’t say anything about it because I was scared. She had a boyfriend but then she texted me that she broke up with her ex, so I was like (this is my only chance) I comforted her, talked about it, and then I told her that I loved her. She responded, ”I’m not sure about this, I’m still thinking about my ex, after all he was my bf we had planned so many things, and he’s the one who took my virginity.”
I felt like I lost everything, but then she asked me, “Do you really love me?” and I said yes, so we are in a relationship. But I’m depressed. I always overthink, like, ”Maybe she is still thinking about her ex, or what will happen if her ex comes back – what will she do?” After all, he took her virginity. For girls, it’s much deeper and more emotional. And I don’t know what to do. I really love her. She makes me happy but I’m scared.
Grandpa-Matt replies
Frightened by ghosts, are you? I don’t think your real fear is about the past relationship between Nicole and the guy. The real fears that I think you are dealing with are rejection and abandonment. The question of your worthiness and value that you have dragged up from your past is the ghost that is haunting you.
When she broke up with him and made a commitment to be in a new relationship with you, it might be a cause to celebrate, but instead, it caused you to doubt yourself. What happened to you that caused your self-esteem to diminish so? While I don’t know you, nor am I a therapist, I can guess what probably happened to you when you were young is that elders informed you that somehow you did not measure up to the expectations of those to whom we looked for approval.
You took on the fear that you were not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, valuable enough, acceptable enough, likable enough, for those folks who influenced you as youngsters. It doesn’t matter where you got that idea, from parents, teachers, friends or wherever. What matters is that you adopted that strong belief and have carried it forward to this day.
The mistake that you made was buying their story about you that you weren’t good enough. Sadly, their stories came from opinions, and an opinion is something we make up. Mostly what we think of ourselves is a collection of what other people make up about us that we have accepted. Beginning to judge ourselves and believing the negativity leads to low self-esteem.
Now, as to your overthinking. One who overthinks is looking for the perfect solution, with no chance of messing things up. Does this sound familiar? The over-thinker has several issues in common that are troubling. They appear to be driving a car that has been caught in the mud, and the more you step on the gas, the more stuck you become, applying energy (gas) only to continue to be stuck in the mud. There is a realization that some action is required, but the fear of making the wrong decision thwarts the correct moves.
With the inability to make the correct decision, we have vague fears about all the things that could go wrong. This often leads to our lack of concentration, as the more we ruminate about doing the right thing, the more we doubt ourselves. We cannot relax nor trust ourselves to cope with the issues that matter to us.
Our thoughts are mostly negative. Have you noticed that there are little or no positive thoughts involved when you begin to overthink? We want to be safe, correct, and blameless in our fantasy about the future outcome of the issue. Overthinking stops you from taking action. It comes down to trusting yourself and your intuition.
Is this negative focus of yours real? What is reality? In his book, Dancing Wu Li Masters, author Gary Zukav, said:
“Reality is what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is what we believe.
What we believe is based upon our perceptions.
What we perceive depends upon what we look for.
What we look for depends upon what we think.
What we think depends upon what we perceive.
What we perceive determines what we believe.
What we believe determines what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is our reality.”
If thinking creates your reality, then I believe all of your interpretations and conclusions are subjective. With that being said, all that you need to focus on is the idea that you are OK, just as you are. As you accept yourself, you will begin to raise your self-esteem and self-confidence.
I suggest you speak with her, authentically share your fears of losing her and telling her what you just shared with me: “I really love her; she makes me happy.” Girls don’t get tired of hearing that.
Article #: 471701
Category: Dating/Relationship