My friend is mad at me because I kissed her ex – but she didn’t know we were hooking up before she even dated him.

Should I come clean? Absolutely, says our elder. 

Dear EWC

So a few years ago I started to fall in love with this guy at my school, or so I thought I was falling in love. But like I said, I really liked this guy for a long time, but he never felt the same way about me. But the thing is, he would always want to hook up with me, but never take the intimacy/ “relationship” to the next level. And this had been going on all up until he started to like one of my best friends. Now keep in mind, I never told anybody about me and him hooking up before, because to me, that’s nobody’s business what I do. I have the right to keep it to myself. But then again, she was one of my really close friends and I never told her. 

But anyways, like I was saying, this guy I used to hook up with started to flirt with my friend, and of course she asked me if it was OK to start dating him, and I wasn’t OK with it at all!! Because me and this guy hooked up! But I wasn’t going to tell her that?! So I just told her I didn’t mind. But deep down it hurt me so badly. This relationship between them didn’t last very long at all though. And after they broke up, he would always message me to hook up or even just make out, etc. And once in a while I did see him, and we’d kiss. But my friend found out and she got mad. But like, me and him had something before them, and I wasn’t in the wrong because it’s my business and I shouldn’t have to share that with her! I’ve had this secret bottled up in me for years, and I fear that one day she’ll find out, and I truly will not know what to do. Because people that I am no longer close with, know about this secret. Only two people to be exact, or so that I’m aware of. But anyways, what do you think? Am I the bad guy for not telling her about me and him hooking up before they even knew each other? Or was it my business to keep to myself? Thanks for listening.

Mrs.G replies

I think, since this is bothering you so much, it’s time to tell your friend the whole story. Since you said she is a close friend, I would think you’d want to keep her and it’s kind of not fair she never was told about you and this guy.

So, as hard as it will be, tell her your story. And when doing so, lay it out like you did in this letter. Explain that you felt it was your private business and that’s why you didn’t share. And then tell her you felt bad not being honest with her. She will probably get angry, so be prepared, and your friendship could end. But, on the other hand, maybe she will understand how you felt – perhaps not at first but after some time of thinking it over.

Trying to keep secrets is difficult, as you have found out, so it’s always better to just deal with the truth. Once your story gets exposed, you will have nothing to worry about anymore. Wouldn’t that be nice?

And in addition to talking with your friend, talk with this guy and tell him goodbye. What are you gaining by being with him? He can’t even be loyal to you so why share your body with him? Get rid of him and start anew. I think you will respect yourself more.

I hope it all works out for you and I think it will. Remember, honesty is always the best policy. Take care.

Article #: 476491

Category: Dating/Relationship