My boyfriend is polyamorous. I’m monogamous. What should I do?
He’s been honest with you, says our elder. If he won’t change his lifestyle, you may have to look for someone else.
Hi, I am a university PhD student. I recently got involved with a polyamorous person. And I felt a tremendous connection with him and the way he loves me was quite engaging. He didn’t hide the fact that he was polyamorous. I am quite new to this idea. I am quite an introverted person and in my late 20s. I dated a few people for a very short time and did not get involved much. I knew my poly bf for a long time because we had a common friend circle but did not know about his preferences. Now that I recently got involved with him romantically, I fell in love with him very quickly and he also fell in love with me. He always wanted to know about what I would do if he got into another relationship. It was beyond my belief that he would fall in love with others being so in love with me. I always pushed away the thought of him being in another relationship. I used to argue with him out of my insecurity sometimes. After three months of our relationship, he got into another relationship. It broke my heart. He tried to console me and told me it’s just normal jealousy. He would feel the same if I get into another relationship and there would be no change of relationship or connection between us. But I told him it’s impossible for me to be in another relationship while I am with him. I am a very insecure person. I asked him if he can just promise me a number of relationships he will get into and he won’t do more than that. But he said, he can’t do that, it’s against his identity. I am a monogamous person and I was ready to go against my identity to be with him ignoring my insecurity and hurt but he is persistent on having multiple indefinite number of relationships. It broke my heart. And I broke up with him. He tried to reach out to me once saying that he misses me. I miss him too. But can’t accept the love he wants to give me. Now I don’t know what to do. Sometimes it hurts so much that I want to go back to him in every possible way but then I think I will have to suffer a lot just to be with him. What should I do?
I’m sorry you’re having these difficulties with your boyfriend. Here’s the thing. Your boyfriend has been honest with you since the beginning. I feel you may have thought that since you were getting along so well, that he had changed, or had a fantasy that he wasn’t really polyamorous. He is, and, from what you’ve told me, he isn’t going to change any time soon.
This is the reality. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person – it’s a lifestyle he has chosen to live, and he has been up front with you. Therefore, you have a decision to make. You can decide you want a monogamous one-on-one relationship and break up with him, or you can decide that you can handle him having other affairs and relationships while still seeing you. There is no right or wrong here… only you being honest with yourself and not being overcome with the fantasy of what you’d like to happen. It is unlikely he will change. As you quoted him, this is his identity. You have a different identity, and should be true to that. I’m not telling you to block him, or tell him off, or anything of the kind! I’m just asking you to be honest, and not kid yourself into wishing and hoping that he will suddenly turn, then tell you he loves you so much that he is going to give up his ways. I have no doubt that he likes you very much – may even love you. But he loves his way of life more. As I said, be honest with yourself about what you want, can handle, and make your decision. Either decide you can adapt to him, or that you want monogamy, and find someone else. Good luck!
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