I thought we had the perfect marriage… but then I found his WhatsApp messages.
Should I stay with my cheater husband? You’ve had a shock, says our elder. Take time to grieve before you decide what to do.
Dear EWC
My best friend of 13 years and husband of three years has been messaging and seeing trans women. We have had the perfect love story and perfect marriage thus far. It is pure, he loves me so much and does so much for me, and I have shaped him into a better man. We have never had any issues except shortly after marriage our sex life was quite dull. We would only have sex once or twice a month but when we did it was good it was passionate. I just figured he’s not much of a sexy guy and I didn’t mind once or twice a month as that’s what I got accustomed to with our busy schedules.
Early this week we had finished up playing tennis and I needed his phone to transfer a picture to myself on WhatsApp. I noticed a chat with a picture of a woman an unknown number and I proceeded to open the chat. He asked her, hey how much for your time? I immediately asked him what is this ? He was hesitating and said it’s just for waxing. I knew he was lying because he doesn’t wax; he does laser hair removal. He was panicking and starting to drive fast at this point, and I wanted to get home safe. I Googled the number and it turned out to be an escort from a local ‘shemale escort’ website. Once we got home he admitted this is something he does when he masturbates to finish off. That he messages and blocks them immediately after the message. Of course I don’t believe him. I’m furious. I check his blocked list and there are several more local escorts he had messaged and blocked. I could not retrieve those messages.
He went to work that night so I decided to check his emails. I noticed five years ago he was subscribed to ‘shemale porn’. I also noticed an email from before we got married. In that email he had responded to a Craigslist ad that said “horny shemale looking for young student”. He sent his pics and number. I confronted him and he continued with the same story but was crying, begging and pleading that he will seek help, to not leave him, that I’m the best thing that has happened to him, etc, etc. He assured me he didn’t see anyone during marriage and it was just once before marriage. He’s unable to explain to me why he goes to trans women.
The following day I told him I’m going to have you do a lie detector test so it’s better you tell me now if you have seen any trans women during our marriage. He admitted to see one in November. I am broken and completely shattered. I feel like there’s more. I feel like this can continue — how can a man suddenly drop and change his habits? I don’t want to check his phone and location constantly for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be this miserable person. I don’t know if I can forgive him. I don’t know if I eventually should.
We were planning to start trying for kids soon but there is absolutely no way that I would want that now and it makes me furious that such a big plan of my life is being put away. He says he’s attracted to me like I said when we have sex it’s great but then why is he going outside and seeking something else? I am so lost I don’t know who to talk to because everyone loves him and is close with him and it’s an embarrassing situation. I just need to know you think this is something that will continue? Do you think I should walk out while I’m young and successful and not dependent or have any children? Please help me!
Folk replies
I can well understand your hurt and confusion. You’ve been with your husband for 13 years and thought you knew everything about him. Then you found out that he had cheated on you at least once with a trans woman escort. Although you still love your husband and he still loves you, you are not sure that you can just forgive him and move on. You are also not sure that you can trust him to stay away from trans women in the future. At this point, you are seriously considering leaving him; but before you make a final decision, you would like a second opinion about what to do from someone who is not emotionally involved.
It’s no wonder you are feeling shattered. As upsetting as this discovery must have been for you though, it’s important to remember that it does not mean that your husband doesn’t love you, isn’t attracted to you, or does not want to continue to be married to you. Nor does it change the fact that your husband has been your best friend for 13 years. What your discovery does mean though is that your husband is strongly sexually attracted to trans women. If his attraction to them were not a powerful one, he would not have risked discovery by having sex with them. So, although your husband may sincerely intend to keep his promise to get help and to stop seeing these women, it is a promise that he will very likely not be able to keep.
Sexual attraction is a part of who we are, but we do not get to choose who we are attracted to. I can’t tell you why your husband is attracted to trans women; I just know that he is. But this doesn’t make him a bad person. We all have our secrets, after all — private things about ourselves that we are too ashamed to share with others. Your husband did not tell you about his attraction to trans women because he was too embarrassed by it, the same way that you are too embarrassed to talk about it with any of your relatives or friends. Now though, he has finally opened up to you about his ‘secret life’. True, he did not tell you about it until you discovered the truth for yourself; and even then he did not admit to being with anyone after your marriage until you threatened him with a lie detector test. I’m afraid though that I suspect the same thing you do: that he has been with trans women more times than he has admitted to you.
You are probably wondering if this means your husband is gay or bisexual. It’s possible that he may be, but almost half of cisgender men who have relationships with trans women identify as heterosexual. Unsurprisingly, this is because they view trans women as women. In the end though, how your husband identifies sexually is not as important as the kind of man he is. Knowing what you now know about your husband, you now have to decide if he is the kind of man you want to be married to and have children with.
Your husband’s attraction to trans women is not something he chose — and it is not something he can change. He can choose not to act on this attraction, but the attraction itself will always be there. If you feel that you can accept your husband for who he is, you may choose to continue your marriage. If, however, you feel that you are unable to accept his attraction to trans women, you may choose to move on. There is no one choice here that is right for everybody. Only you know what you can happily live with and what you cannot. For what it’s worth, I can tell you that I don’t think I could live contently with a man who cheated on me with paid escorts — trans or otherwise. The temptation to cheat would always be there for him, and I would be afraid of his contracting an STD and passing it on to me. But, of course, you are not me, and you may feel very differently about the situation than I do.
I think you are facing a very tough decision. Up until very recently, you believed that you had the “perfect love story” and the “perfect marriage.” Right now, you may be mourning the loss of your dream of having the “perfect family.” I think you need to take some time to grieve what you have lost and to absorb the shock of your discovery. Once you have done this, I think you will know what you want to do.
I hope this helps. I am always here if you would like to talk more about this. Please write back and let me know how you are doing and what you decide to do. I will be rooting for you.
Letter #: 440727
Category: Dating/Relationship
Nicole
September 22, 2020This is identical of my marriage of 12 years (although I will never know if he slept with one or not)
I had to decide if I could ever live with the fetish and attraction and the constant addiction and attraction to shemales.
The pictures he would send of himself to them and what he said he wanted to do to them.
The shame I felt in all of it..I finally had to leave, it was never going to change.
I am sorry for what you are going thru, and just know now, you are not alone.
Debbie
December 1, 2020U are all not alone my husband of 20 years has been attracted to transvestites and escorts and he is 74, it is not a phase!!!! We will always be best friends and he is wonderful, but he will always want that life style, and there is no changing them! We r still married, but I have made myself finally happy with a lover and he still continues to see the transwomen.
Some married guy
October 17, 2020So first off I am a married guy of 6 years and have 2 kids, let me start by saying this, your situation and these other women’s are not the same because u and them and your husband are all different ppl in totally different relationships . Now let’s look at what u may have done to cause this, and most will say nothing, but have u in fact explored all options do u perform oral sex on him, let him do what he wants sexually to u? I’m not sure if u are christians but the bible sais wives do not withhold from your husband’s and vice versa, this isn’t just meaning plain old sex, it means anything sexually because your body belongs to him and his to you. While cheating with anybody is never ok there is a reason he has fell into this obsession with trans women, maybe they give him something you are not and if it’s the anal sex part it wouldn’t be wrong if it was with his wife , and I mean u penetrating or doing anal things to him who knows maybe he has wanted that the whole 13 years and was afraid of u judging him or not accepting it. Don’t assume it’s all the man’s fault like women tend to do because they say men are like dogs, well dogs are the most faithful creatures on the planet when treated right . If u love this man yes he cheated but did u cause him to, refusing sex, not ever just initiating sex and causing him to always be the one starting things, do u just let him know how much u want him and love him in intimate ways, do u do things for him without question? I ask these things because I am a married man, while it seems I have stronger will power then your husband u can’t write him off that easy because let’s say u leave each other well ur just going to open the door for him to fall completely in with transgender women and be lost to it when as his wife u may need to save his soul from this assuming your christian woman, as well as realizing its 5050 in the blame he cheated yes and may argue and do many things but women tend to forget men aren’t as open with their feelings as women are so if there is an issue he may have tried to let u know in subtle ways u never picked up on. And of by chance u do all the things I mentioned earlier then my lady you are a perfect woman and I stand corrected he is horrible and wrong completely but I somehow doubt that u just don’t question anything he ask or u treat him the way he wants to be treated because if so he wouldn’t go outside of the relationship . Should u forgive him well yes now if u love him and want him in your life fix it find out if he wants u to be dominant tell him what to do , spit on him or in his mouth , do freaky things I mean what happens between husband and wife is ok because u are supposed to be one. If it’s the being penetrated he likes buy a strap on and y’all swap up I mean y’all do y’all. Or just say screw it like this lady did give up on ur husband of 13 wasted years you will never get back and probably won’t ever be the same from again. Lotta guys don’t wanna be with a woman that’s been married already it’s the sad truth and by that I mean stay with them, sure they will lay with you but thats a one night thing or more just for fun nothing serious and I will them be sharing yourself with many men and it will just decay your soul even more with every man, or u can just choose to leave him and be single and lonely forever it’s all your choice but if u want to be with him , we all make sacrafices in relationships trust me I make plenty , I never once have gotten oral from my wife and had I known this I wouldn’t have married her honestly but then again I wouldn’t have my beautiful son who is the joy and light of my life. We also never have sex anymore like ever and since day one I have always been the one to want sex , meaning she never acts or initiates it and that gets old quick and makes a guy thing u just don’t care . The trans thing well it looked like a girl and I’m straight as can be but I will say in today’s world there are weirdly enough trans women that look a million times better then birth women physically except for that one body part. Did u let yourself go change anything do u ask what he likes, I made sure I told my wife all of my quirks up front so she couldn’t say anything ever , she’s left me once for a bit not long because I smoked weed, which I did before she met me and never would have met her if I hadn’t because I smoked with her brother and that’s how I met her. They were also racist, not her , and when they found out about us tried to fight me , I beat the breaks off of em in front of her cause it’s what they ask for . Then at 17 they moved her off and me a young mixed boy didn’t know what I did wrong and hated myself for my skin color cried to myself every night bc the love of my life and woman at 15 I planned to marry had left me no trace, years go by and I find her at a gas station she doesn’t see me but she’s in the car with another man and I seen she’s pregnant ,?? I now my head and get in car and leave only to hear he beats her, and is very very mean and on drugs bad drugs not pot. So I randomly message her on facebook when it was new and she responds quickly because I too was her love as well after all that time. Point of all that is I was her first should have been her last but now I have a daughter , the baby she was pregnant with , and my son we have since had and I have been with her since our daughter was born even tho the girl doesn’t ever once call me dad or act like I am and several other things have happened but we all gotta deal with stuff and get over it trust me atleast he didn’t go off and get a girl pregnant and now has a kid with another woman, think of that, and I’m sure as a man he would never turn down sex with u if u just jumped on top or dust got in bed and started giving him oral … Think about all that and don’t listen to any other woman cause all ur gonna get is the sad side and the woman side this was the man’s side I hope God blesses y’all and makes it better but God doesn not controll ppl so that will be up to y’all he can help but not make it happen for you!!!
Marie
April 2, 2023Thank you for that reply! I appreciate your insight and as a woman who just found out my new husband, fiance for 14 years and boyfriend for 1 year (total of 15 years together) has been seeing escorts both female (for years before we even got together) and trans in recent years.
I have known him since I was 7 and I trust him so much, he was like a big brother to me growing up as he’s 9 years older than me. We finally got married and it renewed our love! Our sex life has been amazing since!
I admit I with held sex from him after menopause, and have tried hormone replacement therapy which helped a lot, but I never was the same as the first 5 years of our relationship. Also because I have a skin affliction I was not that experimental in the bedroom, very unsure of myself and if I was doing it right. In the beginning he couldn’t keep up with my sex drive, but that was ok with me.
Then the tables turned. I never thought he’d stray because we both love how loyal we are. He was cheated on by his first wife (high school sweetheart) and knew how it felt and would never do it to someone else. Well, after our underactive sex life, also due to my depression, and his bouts of anger, which he went to therapy for 2 years because I wouldn’t live with him again if he didn’t get help. It helped him a lot, not a cure but way less anger.
Then he decides it’s time to get married, that happened almost 2 months ago. Then a few weeks later I saw a text on his phone while typing something for him while he was driving and I read it outloud, he grabbed his phone and deleted it. I asked who she was and he told me he had a massage, of course that meant a happy ending. I know this because several years back he got too much testosterone and would not leave me alone! I finally told him to go get a happy ending, and he did. I don’t recall if I added “any time you need one you have my permission to get one” because I couldn’t keep it up, on my end. Now we are here and its more than happy endings, its sex with prostitutes and trans.
I am open minded to the point I don’t want to shame him so we have had conversations where he has told me the truth, so far as I can tell, and he is glad I found out because he has wanted to stop but just couldn’t. I trust he will stop. He says he loves me more than anyone he’s ever loved. Wanted to get married because he wants to be with me for the rest of his life (he’s 72 so that’s not too much longer lol!) We are going to start marriage counselling this week but I think he needs a sex therapist in addition. His reason: he said at his age he just got curious because he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it if he didn’t do it now.
I don’t have anyone to talk to because I am embarrassed and don’t want to shame him, but I also don’t want this to go on and him be holding back. He swears he’s not gay, that just wanted to try it. But if he is I want him to be happy. He did tell me it’s only happened 3 times but I’ve found more evidence to indicate its probably been more.
My dilemma now is do I divulge what I have discovered in his phone, which he told me I could look through, or do I wait for the counsellor to guide us.?
Anyway, thank you again for calling us women out on not taking any blame for it when we don’t “put out” as they say. When people don’t know how to discuss it, and as you said men aren’t as open communicators as women, then we need to learn how to talk about it comfortably either alone or with counsel. Wish us luck!
Administration
April 3, 2023Thank you for your reply, and I’m sorry to hear about your dilemma. If you want advice, you will need to submit it at https://www.elderwisdomcircle.org/ask-for-advice/ as our Elders don’t give advice through this program.
Debbie
December 1, 2020U are all not alone my husband of 20 years has been attracted to transvestites and escorts and he is 74, it is not a phase!!!! We will always be best friends and he is wonderful, but he will always want that life style, and there is no changing them! We r still married, but I have made myself finally happy with a lover and he still continues to see the transwomen.
Ch
December 10, 2020So I came here to find some type of answer. My husband is a liar and a cheater. We can constantly keep thinking that it’s ok but it’s not. My husband likes trannies and other women . Im really tired and don’t want to live like this anymore. I’ve confronted him, and expressed and even told him I wanted to work on our marriage. Instead he decided to go and cheat again, with another tranny. I even offered at one point to keep this a secret and act like a fake married couple, so no one will know his secret. I realized that all he ever wanted was for me to give blow jobs. At times when do have sex it’s awesome, but few and far between. I try and keep myself up, I wear different hair, eat right you name it. Everyone thinks we are this great power couple and people say they wish they had what we have. The sad part is I love him, he used to be my best friend and we’ve shared many secrets but he has one since we met that is only getting worse. I have been with other women and I wasn’t against , at first considering being a swinger with him. I’m also scared of diseases and I have been tested after I found out he cheated. My sex life is basically me watching porn, so I don’t have the urge to cheat. My self esteem is down hill at this point. I don’t sleep and constantly snooping. I know this isn’t healthy, my depression is worse. The sad part is we have only been married for 4 years and I really could use some advice. I’m extremely faithful and thought about cheating but that’s not even in my heart to do. We are financially tied to each other and right now our business isn’t doing the best so we are really helping each other get through this patch . Right now he seems to be the only one having fun, I guess. I can’t compete with a tranny at all.
Administration
December 15, 2020Please consider going to elderwisdom.org to ask for advice as our elders do not reply through Facebook.
Elizabeth
December 13, 2020Wife of 20 years here, together 24. Discovered he has paid 100’s of transgender prostitutes over the span of 18 years over $100k. I was always the initiator of sex and was always up to try anything new and different. The problem is he did this one time and became addicted. This is an addiction and even though he may never be able to stop thinking about it he has choices. Why couldn’t he have just looked at porn and masturbated like most married men? Still grieving the death of our marriage, the death of him as it feels like he died and is here to see how that ripped my heart out. We have 2 teenage boys and I don’t want to destroy their lives like my parents did to me. I don’t know what I am going to do but I do worry that these acts are going to land him straight in hell. He is going to church for the first time ever this morning, he will be seeing a psychiatrist in conjunction with our marriage counselor, he started taking antidepressants. This whole time he has been ok in bed but always complaining to me that he thinks his testosterone is low and it causes his sex drive to be low. Nope, just another lie he told me because he was so caught up in sex with transgender prostitutes that I was just not sufficient and due to the fact that I don’t have a penis that shows the point of climax he is generally uninterested in sex with me. Can he reprogram his brain after so many years? He claims to be attracted mainly to women (sans the bisexual blow jobs he has also sought out). He says he loves me but now I wonder if I love myself because if I did I would have an easy time throwing it away.
Edward
September 30, 2021My wife find out that I was cheating her with transgender I was shocked I don’t know what I should say but I know 100% I make a very big mistake , I try hard to make her forgive me but she decided to leave she’s older than me 10 years , I loved her so much and I keep trying to let her know that I will stop that , but she sold my house take the money and leave me with nothing cuz I was give her full Authorisation cuz I was outside us .
I don’t care about money , I understand what she did because I’m wrong and do bad things.
But what I can’t believe that she told everyone we know and my family about what happened .
That’s make me tired alone ,stay home all the days, months, year .
I wanna speak to her and say that I’m the person who start bad things and I’m sorry.
But I don’t know where she is .
I will go outside to start my life again and I Already stop that very hard , live alone make stop do this things very hard .
Believe me if you love him and you know he love you just stay beside him don’t leave him alone .
If he a good husband, I was that but she prefer to stay with her kids . I buy a birthday gift for her kid every year and keep it with me .
On day I will give it to him he’s a very good boy .
This is a stupid guy story ??
Ferguson
September 22, 2023wtf lol
Sonya
November 7, 2021My boyfriend of 2.5 years cheats on me with trannys behind my back and I’m pregnant with his baby we live together now with my two year old that sees him as dad. I’ve been that person that goes through his phone and finds stuff all the time it seems like and still I’ve stuck around. He sees nothing wrong with what he’s doing to me and our relationship or our family.I try to consider the fact that it’s not my fault but can’t seem to help but doubt my own self. I issues and resentments around the whole thing. This has only felt like a burden and I’m very unhappy. But I continue to find another way to cope and maybe make things work. I’m starting to become insecure with myself and my worth these lies and betrayals are getting the best of me. I find it really hard to accept this and don’t know a way out. I deserve better but I’m not giving myself better. He says he wants couples therapy and doesn’t want to hurt me but a hr or so after he tells me that he accidentally pocket dials me and I hear an unfamiliar voice then I listen to what he’s saying and it’s clear he just picked them up and are trying to hook up. I’m a wreck and it’s becoming to much I wish someone would just help me understand and give advice that’s going to actually help.
Heartbroken
July 27, 2022Hello I’ve read all the comments and stories and I’m glad that there are others out there that have experienced the hell I have been through. I have been in a relationship for 3 years and the day after my husband and I were officially married, this past December I found out that he had been cheating on me for the past three years with hookers. As I dug deeper because this is what you do to try to make sense of something in your life you couldn’t even dream of, I found that he had paid and communicated with multiple transgenders hookers. He denied ever going through having sex with them and only admitted to one time of being with actual female hookers, yes I said hookers not prostitutes or sex workers…as you can see I’m hostile towards them. I realize it’s not their fault but right now it’s a trigger for me. Anyways, I just couldn’t believe nothing ever happened he claimed he was out of his mind because he was in a drunk and coke fueled state of mind. One of the transgender he was communicating with they talked about finding a woman to pregnant together! This is just a small portion of the horrors I uncovered. I immediately left our home, we had been in a long distance relationship for most of our relationship and I had just uprooted my daughter and I 6 months prior to start our “life” together. I had to move back home as I had no family support, because of his actions I lost my job, my home, thousands of dollars and my husband. It was all a lie from day one, I was extremely close to his family and friends and no one knew he had this dirty secret. I tried to explain to my brain and heart what the hell happened. He begged and begged me to stay and to work on things but deep in my heart I knew I could never trust him again. I didn’t want to live a life of going through his phone, questioning where he really is when he would leave. On top of that he obviously has an addiction problem, I knew nothing about him using coke. But having a long distance relationship was what helped him cover up his twisted double life. It’s been an extremely painful 7 months but I finally decided to cut all contact with him. I feel if someone cheats especially in this manner there is no going back or looking past. Cheating is cheating, no matter if it’s having sex, communicating with others inappropriately. YOU can never fix a broken person, if someone is into transgenders but also has an attraction to women naturally born with their correct biological parts that’s not an excuse to live this double life. There are people out there that will accept a partner that has these attractions. I don’t subscribe to trying to “fix” someone by therapy or whatever means, they have to want to do the hard work and make the correct changes. This behavior is toxic and if you are comfortable staying in a relationship with someone that is open about their interests then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. For me I have always been upfront about being in a monogamous relationship. My husband has some deep rooted problems that I don’t have the time or energy to try to help him through. I tried to be a support for him but I realized it was just a manipulation to feed his ego. He’s a broken man and I was in love with a fantasy of a person I thought he was. I feel the man I married and loved died. Once I started to help him through the deep depression he quickly denied the seriousness of the situation and everything he said he would do to try to repair our relationship he made up excuses or just straight up lied. I am happy to have loved someone the way I did and being his bright light, but I realize I love me more. I deserve better things in life, he was my northern star leading me to where I’m meant to be and I will always be his karma.
Shelly
October 5, 2022You shaped him into a better man did you? Sounds like you might be a control freak. Obviously he is doing what he says. Otherwise would have he have blocked them?
Nikki
December 8, 2022Like all of you, I also believed that I had a perfect marriage. In this world full of cheaters, I was actually stupid enough to think that I had snagged a one-in-a-million guy because I truly believed he would never cheat. Then (like many of you) I found messages on his phone. My world has come crashing down on me and I really don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again. But honestly, typing this feels almost therapeutic. It feels good to know that I am not alone. Like many of you, the same thought has run through my mind. “I do not want to become THAT kind of wife who snoops and goes through his phone”. And also, I still love him. Because he is the father of my children and has sacrificed a lot for our family. I have sort of made peace with it. And I have told myself that if I see just one more message I would emotionally detach myself. We were good friends before we started dating and I think that with some effort, I will be able to bring my mindset back to that. But I do not think I would ever be able to divorce him. Because I came from a broken home and I do not want that for my kids. Am I stupid?
Administration
December 8, 2022If you’d like to connect with an elder for some advice on this, please go to our website https://www.elderwisdomcircle.org/ask-for-advice/ and an elder will respond. They do not respond to posts here in order to maintain confidentiality.
Lisa
December 28, 2022Days before Christmas I found something on my husband’s phone. I thought he was trying to talk with other women again. Yes again. After me saying everything I needed to say he finally came to me and told me he was into trans women. At first I acted cool about it and asked why he just didn’t say something before. I was caught completely off guard. I have no problem w trans people. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around all this. We have been together almost 10years married 8 and we have 4 children. I’m completely heart broken. I’ve spent the last week nonstop crying. How can he see no difference between a natal women and a trans women? I’m just sick of feeling like I’m never gonna be enough. I’m trying to find a therapist to see me right away and I’m hoping I can get him to come with to help sort through all this in my head. I’m scared to death of what the future holds. My trust in him is gone and idk how or if I will ever trust him again. I let him know this right away. I also let him know that it is ok to be attracted to trans. What is not not ok is trying to talk to them on dating sites behind my back.
Administration
December 28, 2022If you’d like to connect with an elder for some advice on this, please go to our website
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Kardelen
January 4, 2023Ive been seeing this guy for the past 2 months. Thank god I found out very early that he is into trans woman. He denied it initially then accepted his attraction. However, he says that he loves me and will never cheat on me. What I don’t understand is how can he see biological men as women. I broke up with him but still dealing with the damage his manipulation and attraction caused in me.
Administration
January 4, 2023If you’d like to connect with an elder for some advice on this, please go to our website-
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Anu
May 29, 2023Ok so I thought I was the only one that went through this. My husband and I were together for 8 years and we’ve been married for 2 years now when I found out that he slept with a transgender woman behind my back. When I caught him texting her he was so down and depressed and told it will never happen again and that he did it cause he had a curiosity of what it was to be penetrated by a penis I guess. Anyway I went through hell because he was my best friend and I honestly can’t remember life before him so I trusted him when he said it will never happen again and he said he didn’t even like it. But 6 months later today I find out that he’s been sleeping with trans women again. Just yesterday he slept with one cause I didn’t come home that night and then he acted like nothing ever happened to my face. Today I saw that he has texted 3 different trans women and they have talked about how many times they’ve met before too. I honestly don’t know what to do. He gave an excuse saying he did it cause he’s depressed over some issue that his parents had. Even last time he got away giving that excuse but now I can see it has become an addiction. He watches porn every morning and masturbate before he goes to work. I give him his privacy but now I’m thinking was he watching trans porn. Anyway since he did it again it’s confirmed that he will not stop doing this so do I have to be ok with him cheating on me? Cheating is the last thing on my mind. So what do I get? He gets to fulfill his sexual fantasies by cheating on me and I have to be loyal to him? I just don’t understand and divorce is not the answer cause I have a comfortable life and I don’t want to change it cause of his mistakes
Nina
February 19, 2023I have found reading all these personal stories really helpful. I am going through an emotional rollercoaster of my own. My now ex partner and father to my youngest son only 7months has been constantly trying to arrange to meet and have sex with a transgender escort.
An email came through on his phone while I was using a playlist and I pretend I hadn’t seen it.
That night, I searched his phone and found numerous emails to different trans escort sites. Asking for sex. Some emails dating bk a few years before we were in a relationship. From what I read and have seen. He watches trans porn. And wants to have oral sex and anal sex with a trans escort. But from the emails he’s never managed to get a response.
Long story short. I created a fake escort email and emailed it to him to the next week. And he immediately replied, he excited and was overjoyed with an actual response. He quickly booked a hotel and sent a photo of the confirmation etc.. I got a fake SIM and used an old phone to pretend to be his “escort” I used a fake picture and within a few messages he was sending masturbation videos and dick pics at work. The day before he was due to meet the pretend escort.
I asked him to help me with the night feeds as our son was ill. To see if he would put us first. Help me as I’d had a rough week with no sleep.
But he said he couldn’t and made a rubbish excuse. And got all agitated that I wanted to know what was more important.
I even said to him, I would rearrange anything for him so why couldn’t he do the same. He stormed off in a huff and said he was busy and I basically had no right to ask him where he was going.
I was mad so I ended up telling him it was me. I could see he was so shocked … And weirdly I felt bad for him. Because he was so excited. I told him I needed to see if he would chose sex with a trans escort over his family. He tried to pretend he knew it was me at first. And I explained I had seen the emails from years ago and he eventually admitted it.
I told him I wouldn’t tell anyone, as he put on such an act and his friends and family wouldn’t be accepting. I understood I only found this out through snooping and he was clearly distressed I had found out.
We have split up. And I’m grieving for the relationship I thought we had and for the family I thought we were going to be.
He’s really sorry, and although he says he’s never actually cheated on me… Which I do believe, I know it’s not through choice. If an escort had replied he would had gone through with it.
We’re still really good friends and I still love him. After a while of being depressed, I’ve allowed him bk into my life. We still have sex, because to be honest I don’t want to sleep with anyone else, this I know needs to stop!! But we are still passionate and have strong feelings for each other. All I can say is it’s hard and I’m trying to let him go.
I know I will never be able to trust him. And my mental health would suffer if I took him bk. He has pleaded and begged for me to give the relationship another try, but I can’t let myself feel hurt and depressed again, and I don’t want to be with someone I can’t trust. It would drive me crazy. I am still mourning the end of the relationship.
We do love eachother, but I know that kink will always be something that he will chase. And I can’t give him that. Even though he says he would stop looking at trans Escorts and porn. I have accepted that’s what he likes even if he doesn’t accept it himself.
He also put on the messages, He wanted to continue the meetings on a regular basis and would need to be careful.
I can’t get past it.
So now we’re weirdly friends with benefits… Who tell each other they love one another but aren’t together but still do a fantastic job of raising their child together.
I’m trying to love him and accept him for who he is. He says I’m his best friend and his favourite person in the world and I feel the same. I won’t ever tell this secret of his. But if feels good to write about it on here. I’m trying to let him go slowly. It hurts when he asks for another chance because it’s what I want. But once the trust is gone. It’s gone in my book
Kat
February 20, 2023I just found out my boyfriend has been on a tranny dating site for like two years and he says he did it as a joke cause he was bored but that it went to far cause he started to message ppl on there. In a sense I know how you feel. It hurts so much.
Raven Edwards
February 22, 2023I have been married for 15 years and my husband has a thing for shemales. At one time we tried me with a strap on but I can’t do that anymore it makes me feel sick to my stomach and degrade. But in the last few months I have found he is planning to meet and have sex with a shemale. I am so lost I just don’t now what to do.
Administration
February 22, 2023If you would like to connect with one of our elders for some advice on this, please visit our website: