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He fancied my sister first

I love my boyfriend – but my sister was the one who first caught his eye. 

Remember, he chose you, says our elder. You’re the one who’s right for him.

 

Dear EWC

Hi! When I started dating my boyfriend and we were talking about our first impressions, he told me that thought my sister was attractive and was thinking about talking to her and that he really didn’t notice me. As we started dating, he’s been such an amazing boyfriend to me and has reassured me many times that he doesn’t think that anymore and he’s in love with me but I always think about that and cry because I’ve never been the type to have boys like me and I’ve never felt good enough in general. It just hurts my feelings so much to think about that. I don’t know how to get over it

 

Good-Listener replies

I can understand how your boyfriend’s remark would give you pause for a little bit, and I’m not trying to dismiss or diminish your feelings. However, he chose you… and you are the one he loves, not your sister. We all develop attractions to others for all sorts of reasons. And it can be fleeting when it’s simply that… an attraction. But for real feelings to develop it takes substance, and not that your sister isn’t wonderful and attractive, but that she wasn’t the right person for him… you are. 

Almost 30 years ago I met this guy and it was as if a lightning bolt hit me. He had an older brother that, at the time I barely noticed. I just thought the first guy was cute, funny, etc. Then I got a chance to spend a little time with his brother, who was the real thing – for me. His brother and I clicked since our personalities just were more compatible. Was he as ‘cute’ as his brother? I don’t know because it didn’t matter – the brother was the guy I wanted to be with.

Your boyfriend may have had that kind of a reaction when he saw your sister… But then he spent time in your presence – and realized that the two of you were the real deal. 

I can’t tell you not to feel, or how not to feel insecure. But, if you can, try to jump outside and look inward at the logic. He loves you for who you are. As I say to everyone, if this is so disruptive to you that you can’t get over it, then consider looking for therapy. However, if you can stop, breathe, and be grateful for who you are, who he is, and what you guys have together. Good luck.

Article #: 476013

Category: Dating/Relationship

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