So anxious my throat closes up

A letter writer is happy with her boyfriend – so why does she feel so anxious? 

Our elder tries to get to the root of her anxiety, and encourages her to value herself as a person.


Dear EWC

Hello, I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over three months. He is really amazing with me: we have never had an argument, and we always get over things through communication. He has had two previous relationships – they weren’t very serious but he was always loyal and he is just in general a very loyal person and I trust him so much. He gives me space but is still present in my life. And I really really like him, but for some reason he makes me so anxious. As soon as I think of him my throat closes up and my stomach gets all in a bundle and I feel so anxious, but when I’m with him I’m never anxious, I’m just happy to be with him. A few weeks ago, he went on holiday for a week and that week I didn’t feel anxious at all. I felt absolutely fine but the day he was coming back I got all anxious again and my throat closed up. I don’t get it. I love being with him but the thought of seeing him makes me so anxious every time.


Roxie replies

I must say this is a bit of a puzzle. I’ll try to help you, but I don’t have too much information about you, so my apologies if I get it wrong.

Could it be that your anxiety comes from a fear that he will leave you? Sometimes people get very worried when things are going great. It’s as if they think they don’t deserve something nice and assume that it will be ruined. The feelings are usually irrational and have to do with the person’s inner thoughts about themselves, not what’s actually happening. “I’m a bad person, bad things should happen to me, this is a good thing, therefore it won’t last” is sort of how the thinking goes. 

If this sounds as if it might be right, then you should deal with it before you lose what sounds like it could be a great relationship. Even if it doesn’t affect you when you are around him, anxiety is so unpleasant that it can make us run away from what we think is the cause. Chronic anxiety can also be bad for us physically.

The simplest solution is for you to value yourself as a person. Something good has happened to you that you deserve. He is attracted to you because he sees positive qualities in you that he likes. He could be with other people, but he has chosen you and you should be proud of yourself because of this. It might also help to talk to your boyfriend about what’s happening. He sounds like the kind of guy who would react by being reassuring and that might help you get rid of the feelings. 

If the anxiety persists, then you might consider talking to a therapist. 

Article #: 433269

Category: Dating/Relationship

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