Girls love him; I’m anxious

My boyfriend is a bit too popular and I’m worried he’ll leave me.

What are you so afraid of, asks our elder. Let him go – you’re a complete person without him.

Dear EWC

I am dating a guy who is very famous among girls. He is a people pleaser and is always ready to do anything for his friends. I get anxious a lot because of this. These girls are very pretty and talented and it’s not that they are bad. It’s just that I get anxious and then sometimes get anxiety attacks. Our relationship is not public yet. Today he went to meet his girl best friend. I was very anxious. He didn’t text me at all when he was with her. The girl called him her Heather and stuff. I tried so hard to calm myself down and didn’t say anything to him and accepted it. I love him so much and I trust him. He loves me a lot too. But I have this bad habit of overthinking. I keep thinking that he will leave me. I get annoyed sometimes. This girl who he has never met texted me two to three days back and he talked to her for the first time. She texted my boyfriend saying that she was not feeling well and my boyfriend called her. Next day she posted a picture of herself and my boyfriend comments, “Pretty” and “You made my day”. It hurt me a lot. Even though my boyfriend told me beforehand that he was talking to a girl and he sent me ss of his comments on that girl’s post before I read it, I felt bad and started crying. Idk what to do

Grammy-Lin replies

Thanks for writing to us. I’ll be happy to share my thoughts with you.

So, it seems that you are very anxious about possibly losing this boyfriend of yours to someone else. In addition to that, he seems to be very extroverted and popular among the girls. It’s not clear to me whether he is flirtatious with them or just a super nice guy whom everyone likes. But either way, he’s no shy creature and the more he puts himself out there, talking with other girls and complimenting them, the more anxious you become.

I’m going to ask you a difficult question here, and it’s okay if you don’t have a quick answer because it’s a pretty deep question. Here goes…

Why are you so afraid of this guy leaving you? 

What exactly would happen if this match didn’t work out? 

OK, that’s two questions, but I want you to spend some time thinking about it because I think it’s going to be the key to your happiness with this guy and any others going forward. Why do we get so attached to the idea that we “love” this person so desperately that we would simply cease to exist if that love was not returned? 

The reason this is important is because, like any other elder, I can tell you with certainty that most people fall in and out of love many times in a lifetime. Especially when we are younger and haven’t really figured out who we are yet and what we want in a partner. When we become so terrified of losing a boyfriend that we can no longer enjoy our lives, that’s not really love. It’s addiction. It’s insecurity. It’s not healthy. 

I’m going to throw out an idea that’s somewhat Western and you may not have heard it growing up. Did you know that you are a complete human being, with or without a boyfriend? Yes, that’s right. Boyfriends are nice to have if you’re both happy and secure and living your lives and not trying to possess each other. But if you become so anxious every time he even speaks to another female, that is not love. 

You will meet different young men as you grow up. Some will be very attractive and you may feel that you love them. Some will return your feelings of love. Some will not. The truth is that we’re just not a perfect match for every guy we like. In the case of you, with your anxiety, and this guy being overly-social, I don’t believe this is a good match for either one of you. It’s not that he’s a bad guy, he just approaches life very openly and you’re more in need of constant reassurance. You’ll feel constantly anxious and he’ll begin to feel smothered by your possessiveness.

My advice is to spend some time without a boyfriend. I know… that sounds very scary, right? But I think it’s important for you to become your own best friend. Once you learn to love and respect yourself, you’ll never need the constant reassurance that you have a boyfriend who will never speak to anyone else but you. You’ll be able to come and go, talk to anyone, male or female, and your boyfriend (whomever that might turn out to be) will be able to do so as well. This is how mature, self-confident people have successful and long-lasting relationships. 

I don’t know if counseling is available to you but if so, you might find it helpful. Once you are secure enough to know you can survive on your own, you can begin to reach out to others knowing that you’ll be okay whether the match works out or not. That is a very powerful place to be, and it’s what I wish for you.

Let this guy go, gently. Wish him well and mean it, but try to find and love yourself first, before seeking affirmation from others. 

Article #: 477625

Category: Dating/Relationship

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