A letter writer needs space to grieve her former relationship – but her current boyfriend is in the way. 

You know what you need, says our elder. Give yourself that breathing room.

Dear EWC

I dated my first love for two years. It was a toxic relationship through and through but I left him finally because I caught him messaging other girls and we were always fighting and it was time to get out. I left him and started being with another guy who has been my friend for a long time. Now I’m starting to miss my ex and I cry myself to sleep some nights because I just miss everything. I don’t know what to do. I basically live with my current boyfriend and I just want to figure myself out by myself and stuff and I’m just so confused.

KayKay replies

Thanks for waiting while we got to your letter. My first thought was that you can have what you want and that is what you stated in the last line, “to figure myself out by myself.”  What a great idea. You can do that! It’s hard to analyze your confusion while you are in the midst of being with someone. Until you get off by yourself, without relying on someone else, it’s difficult to let your feelings rise to the surface. Around other people, we sometimes try to be what we think they want, and lose sight of who we are. 

You are longing for and missing a toxic relationship while in one with a longtime friend. It seems that you suspect that getting back with the ex would not be wise or healthy, but something attracts you to him. Did you get with your current boyfriend on the rebound without fully grieving the loss of the old one? Try to figure out what you think you are missing. Maybe you don’t feel the thrill with your “old friend” that pervaded your toxic relationship. Maybe you don’t feel good enough for your current boyfriend. Maybe you think you deserve to be cheated on. Maybe you are grieving for what “could have been”, if he could have remained faithful to you. Maybe you are crying because your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you something else and you are torn apart. Maybe the tears are tears of anger because of the fighting that never resolved anything. Some time alone will help you figure that out. A talk with a counselor or writing in a diary are other ways of trying to clear up your confusion. 

I will confess that I am prejudiced against men who cheat. I was married to one for many years and he never changed and I guess I thought I deserved it. Once I realized how unhappy I was, I left him and found a truly honest trustworthy guy and life improved 100 percent. Maybe you will find someone else – it doesn’t have to be one of these two. Give yourself some breathing room and you will figure it out. Good luck!

Article #: 418142

Category: Dating/Relationship