Telling my boyfriend I’m bi

A letter writer is questioning her sexuality and is wondering how to approach it with her boyfriend. 

Talk to other people first, says our elder, and then handle it sensitively and honestly.


Dear EWC

Hi, I am a 16-year-old girl. For the past few months, I have been questioning whether I am straight or not. I have a boyfriend currently who I very much love, but I have been noticing women a lot more. I think I am bisexual, but I am still really confused. I want to take my time and not stress about identifying myself but I feel that it would bring me a lot more closure, so I’m not really sure what to do right now. I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about this, but he was very uncomfortable and was quick to change the subject. I understand that it is a weird conversation to have, but I really want his support and understanding. Any ideas on how I can talk to him? Thanks!


JoeF replies

The first thing I’d like to impart to you is that it’s not unusual for someone to question their sexuality. Many people wonder about this very thing, at some point in their life, so it’s important to understand that your questioning should not be construed as strange or abnormal.

Here is some basic information to help you begin to grasp more about the subject, and steer you in the right direction to better understand more about what you’re going through. Although bisexuality is defined as attraction to people of both genders, it is possible to be attracted to different genders in different ways. bisexual people may experience different levels of attraction to different types of people.

I found a quote on line from a bisexual activist who describes her sexual orientation in this way:

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the potential to be attracted, romantically and/or sexually, to people of more than one sex, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

So, in my mind, this means a person can identify as bisexual, even if their attraction to different genders is different in some ways. Some experience greater physical and emotional attraction toward people of the other sex, some toward people of the same sex, some toward greater physical attraction toward the other sex, and some are more interested in someone for their personality alone. As you can see, understanding whether or not a person is bisexual is not based simply on sexual attraction. So, what should your next steps be?

1 – Talking to your boyfriend will only make him feel that the relationship is at risk, so I suggest you find a therapist who specializes in gender sexuality. Having someone who listens, understands, and gives you experienced feedback is one way to get a better handle on your feelings.

2 – There is a ton of information on line that you can access by simply googling something like, “Understanding Bisexuality,” or “How to know if you are Bisexual.” You may or may not relate to some of the information, but you will learn a lot from what you do relate to.

3 – Support groups for bisexuality are a wonderful source for sharing and better understanding your confusion. Being with and hearing from people who have many of the same questions and feelings can be extremely enlightening, and give you a clearer picture of who you are, and how to move forward, one way or the other. You can find sources by googling something like: “Support groups for Bisexuality.”

I think it’s important to handle the situation with your boyfriend as sensitively and honestly as possible. I’m sure you are very fond of him which will make any decision that impacts the relationship difficult – but keep in mind that if you love and respect him, then he deserves only the truth about where you stand, what you want, and how you prefer to move on. 

I know I’ve given you a lot to think about, but the more information you have, the more you will understand, which will give you a clearer picture of what to do next. I’m glad you decided to contact us. It shows that you’re interested in growing and knowing more about yourself and doing the right thing in your relationship.

If there’s anything else you need, contact us again. I wish you well, and I’m rooting for you.  

Article #: 459059

Category: Self-Improvement

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