… and now she’s dumped me! This letter writer’s girlfriend expected him to drop everything whenever she wanted. Let her go and take your time to heal, says our elder.

 

Dear EWC

Hello, I have never used something like this before but I am on the verge of absolute collapse. I have been dating someone for about five years, giving them all my time, and all my effort. I have given them so much, even when I had to fight my own parents, nearly got disowned, I was even thrown out of the house a few times because all I wanted was to be a part of her life in a bigger way. But recently I got a new job, and I was exhausted since I had to do some physical labor and I have a weak back, so that makes it all the harder. I came home and practically passed out in bed. 

However, her laundry machine exploded in her room, and since I wasn’t there to comfort her, she got emotional and decided to get outside support from her therapist. I am not sure what was said but she took a step back from the relationship, not willing to share why. I respect that of course, but I wanted to talk to her, so that I could help her work this issue out so the drastic measures didn’t have to be taken. In the end I feel helpless, that even after all the time I did give her it was all for nothing because I got tired at work and didn’t respond to her message in time. I am on the verge of just giving up because of this weight on my chest, since my own mother told me it’s just best if I didn’t just continue being her friend and get attached to her again, so I told her how I felt about this decision she made and uninstalled Messenger. Yet I feel so incredibly alone. I don’t know what to expect from this, but can I have your help or opinion? I am desperate.

 

KayKay replies

I know you are hurting. A breakup for any reason is heart-wrenching and terribly stressful, even more so when you had given them all your time and effort over a period of five years. It seems that you may have been putting more into this relationship than your partner, and she had become used to your dropping everything and responding to her wants and needs immediately. This seems unsustainable and unhealthy. A relationship needs to be fairly balanced so that both people feel cared for and supported. She did not give you the time or opportunity to provide what she needed when she needed it. You went through estrangement from your parents for her sake and really gave her more than 100 percent. Now she is testing to see if you will continue that course of action – which, of course, you can’t indefinitely.

Now that you have a new job and responsibilities that will take some of your energy, you will be less focused on her life. This is as it should be. One person can’t provide all of a person’s wants and needs. She evidently cannot accept that.

Naturally, you feel alone, hurt, and disappointed. It will take much time for you to get a balance back into your life. My advice is to let her go and follow your mother’s recommendation. You can’t maintain that level of effort for the rest of your life. You need to put yourself first so that you will have something to give. Try evaluating your own needs and learning to practice self-care. When you recover some of your stamina, try making some new friends and looking for those who make you feel important for yourself, not just for what you do for them. I think this is where the relationship got side-tracked. She made you feel valued and needed for what you did, not for who you are – thus, her tantrum when you failed to put her first over your own health and well-being. Her unwillingness to even talk about it is a symbol of her priorities.

You can expect to be miserable for a while as you grieve the loss of this relationship, no matter how one-sided it was. But with self-care and self-nurturing, you will recover and be able to move on. Know that you are strong and will survive. You can do this. You are not “broken”, just bruised. Go through the hurt and loss, experience the pain, and believe that you will come out on the other side someday. This is not the end of the world – just your life as you have known it for five years. You have many more decades to live and you deserve to be happy and valued.

If this helps, let me know or write for further advice. We care about you!

Article #: 485600

Category: Dating/Relationship