I think I’m a disgusting person

OCD has pushed me to the edge of my sanity. Am I alone with this? 

Not at all, says our elder. Reach out for professional help where you can discuss your worst fears.


Dear EWC

I am really struggling with my mental health right now. I am not professionally diagnosed, but I’m quite certain I have OCD. I am really struggling. I can’t take it. Thoughts attack my inner values, and I think I am a disgusting person. Every second I am bombarded with thoughts that say, “Why did you just think that? is it correlated with ‘ ‘?”, or, “Oh you thought that – that must mean it’s true”, or, “Why did you emotionally react that way?”. 

I do not want to directly specify what exactly I’m thinking about, but to give you a rough idea it’s similar to the issue of POCD. I constantly want support, but my mum doesn’t give me the comfort I want, she gives me advice and says she went through it, but at the back of my mind I always feel like I’m different, it’s different for me; my thoughts/emotional responses feel so genuine, when I use my compulsions to test them. I feel as though I’ve thought of my issue so much that I’ve now snapped, and have actually become the person I’ve dreaded to be. I can’t take the uncertainty anymore; I can’t live with myself. I am not suicidal; this is just pushing me to the edge of my sanity. I feel like I’m going to break down any second if I don’t get support. I don’t know anyone I can talk to. I’m not close with my friends anymore, no one in my family. I can’t handle it. Am I alone?


SavtaP replies

I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with OCD or POCD. It’s such a hard place to be. But you are not alone. And you are not your thoughts or compulsions. But you should reach out for professional health where you can discuss in complete privacy your worst fears. I am not familiar with Australia, but I’m sure you can find a good therapist by asking your doctor or minister (priest, rabbi, whatever) or even by going online and searching for therapists working with OCD patients. 

It’s quite important for you to get professional help as soon as possible so you don’t keep beating yourself up and worrying in circles that just make you more and more anxious and send you back into your compulsions. I repeat, you are not the same as your thoughts or compulsions. You are a caring person, trying to find a solution to your problems. That is more than most people try to do. That is admirable.

Please let me know you have found a therapist to talk to. I will be thinking of you.

Article #: 494990
Category: Self-Improvement

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