Tired of talking first 

When I meet new people, it’s always me who makes the first approach. Should I wait for them to talk first? 

Be optimistic, says our elder. Positive affirmations are a great first step.


Dear EWC

Throughout my life I’ve been a people pleaser. I always approach them first. Even when it’s draining and affecting me, I still choose to consider them. But I’m trying to change that, and I started to focus on myself more. Having a lot of time alone recently because I want to take care of myself. However, whenever I want to meet new people I always get hesitant because I’m tired of always being the one who talks first. I hate being taken for granted because I’ve been that throughout my life. That’s why I have this belief that “if they wanted to, they would” so I just let people approach me first but it rarely happens. I really want to meet new people but I think that belief is keeping me stuck and other reasons, like I don’t know how to talk to strangers because of my lack of social skills.


Ms.Mary replies

I’m glad you wrote and hope I can help. Being a people pleaser is very draining. You were wise to take time to focus on yourself. It sounds like you are ready now to meet new people.

You wrote, “I wanna change, but I’m stuck.” We usually get what we expect, whether we like it or not. You are correct; when you believe you are stuck, that limits you. That belief no longer serves you. However, it doesn’t have to continue to hold you back once you deliberately change your mindset. Have faith in something greater than your past experiences.

I encourage you to start imagining how you will feel when you make new friends. Visualize the good feeling of connecting with someone who you like and who likes you.  Picture laughing with a friend. 

Are you familiar with affirmations? Those are positive statements about what you desire. They help your subconscious believe what you want about yourself and your world. There is a lot of info on the internet about how to write effective affirmations. Below are examples:

  •   I am open and receptive to new friendships that bring me happiness.
  •   I am worthy of friendship.
  •   I radiate kindness and love, attracting like-minded friends into my life.
  •   My friends make me laugh, and that gives me joy.
  •   I am confident in myself and my ability to form meaningful friendships with others.
  •   I deserve to be happy and have lots of friends.

How would you feel without the thought (belief) that if others wanted to be your friend, they’d approach you? Decide that you will no longer believe that thought. Plenty of individuals like you are hesitant to approach a new person and make conversation, yet would welcome a friendship. Don’t be afraid to initiate a conversation.

An easy way to do that is to compliment someone or ask them a question. It doesn’t take long to get a sense of whether they may relate to you. For example, if you are waiting in line next to someone, you could say, “Gosh, this is taking a long time.”  Many people start conversations about the weather – it’s easy to relate to. When I smile and am friendly, others joke with me. 

If you think about it, social skills are really about liking yourself. If you are kind, caring, and thoughtful, you are the type of person others seek as a friend.

It shouldn’t be hard to meet new people once you decide you are ready. I encourage you to start by daydreaming about the type of friend you’d like. Also, write your own affirmations. I write my favorite one on a slip of paper and carry it in my purse or pocket as a reminder.

Most importantly, believe and expect that you will meet friends. Don’t get discouraged or give up if it doesn’t happen immediately. Be optimistic. Trust that you will meet the right friend at the right time. 

I’m happy to talk with you further, dear. I’ll be sending good thoughts your way. I’ll close with two of my favorite quotes.

“Sometimes, the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must, but take a step.” – Naeem Gallaway.

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” – Wayne Dyer.

Article #: 499137
Category: Self-Improvement

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