“Should I Give Up On a Boyfriend Who Puts Family Ahead of Me?”
Our Elder says: “Relax and don’t take things so personally, But if he’s as bad as you say, he may not be right for you.”

Dear EWC,

I’ve been in a long-distance online relationship with someone who lives in the same state as me; he lives about six hours away. He has always seemed like he was close to his family, talking about them, mentioning them, but when it came to me, it was like I didn’t exist. He didn’t mention me to them, and would hide our phone calls from them. He would mute my voice, but I’d be able to hear their whole conversation.. 

They didn’t seem too bad—just very religious. He said he didn’t want them in our business because they wouldn’t respect our boundaries. At first, he also said his parents were judgmental and I wouldn’t like them, but now he’s saying his parents are religious and would force me to pray and stuff, and he knows I don’t like that. 

The thing is, he is thirty-seven, and I feel he should be able to have his own life and set firm boundaries in order to protect our relationship. But instead of doing that, they get their way and I’m just an outsider. That’s what it feels like. 

I know he and his sister are close, and he shares a lot with her. They are in a band together and I saw from a post of hers that they were performing in December. I posted a comment, asking if he was there and mentioning that I was his girlfriend and knew he was the drummer in the band. I wrote that six weeks ago. She left my comment sitting there, not saying anything. 

I had a couple of my supporters “like” my comment to get attention, and she still didn’t respond. So last night I got mad and said a few things to her. I probably went overboard, but I’m at a point where I don’t care if I piss anyone off. The guy is a manipulator and gas lighter, and always treated me badly. I feel he’s telling his sister I’m just a stalker and to ignore me, and she is obeying him. I’ve had enough. I’m not trying to be a secret anymore. Yeah, I called her the B word and told her if she doesn’t want it public, to talk to me privately. Still, she said nothing.

Ms.JuliaJ Response

Hi Vanessa, 

Families are really tricky, and I bet you know that. I think you can trust your boyfriend to know his family, and if he says they are difficult, they probably are. My impression is that he is protecting you from their comments and judgment, not that he is ashamed of you. Some religions are very judgmental and want families to only be involved with people from their same religion. 

It is really nice that your boyfriend is close to his sister. If I had a brother who had a girlfriend that I didn’t know and she messaged me, I most likely would not respond out of respect for my brother. Because he had not told me about her, it would feel like I was crossing a boundary. I have a personal example: Our adult son has been dating a woman for several months. We know her name, but he has not introduced us. I don’t expect him to do so until he feels comfortable. We are not religious or judgmental—he is just not ready yet, and we respect that. We never mention anything at all about his dating life, as it is none of our business. If this relationship progresses and he wants us to know her, he will introduce us in his own time.

Unfortunately, when you called your boyfriend’s girlfriend a ‘B’, that may have destroyed any hope of a future relationship with his family. If he is as terrible as you say he is, then perhaps all is for the best. I guess my best advice for the future would be to relax, don’t take things personally, and trust the process of the relationship. I wish you the very best going forward!

Best Regards,

Ms.JuliaJ

Article #: 502716
Category: Dating/Relationship