I want her back!

Can this letter writer win his ex-girlfriend round? 

Our elder presents a detailed plan – but warns that there are no guarantees.


Dear EWC

It’s my joy meeting you. I’m glad that you are reading this. I am in a relationship with my girlfriend and I have been trying all means to convince her of my sincerity and willingness to make the whole thing work out but it seems she is still doubting the whole thing. She doesn’t believe I can handle her emotions or if I can be there for her. I have tried all my best to make her come back to me but her heart keeps going off every day. I love her truthfully and I always want her, she loved me before and I know that she did but she has totally changed towards me… She doesn’t want me to meet her family or anyone so close to her. It gives me a headache every moment. The only person I love so much and that I always want to be with is not loving me the way I did. She has no interest in everything!


Sage replies

When relationships end, it is usually difficult for everyone involved. There is a great deal of powerful emotions, confusion, and blame going around. Regardless of how it happened, your relationship ended and now she has moved on with her life.

Getting her back is possible but it will take time and a gargantuan effort on your part.

There is no one method to get your girlfriend back and no one can guarantee that any method will work. Only you know enough about your ex, yourself, and the dynamics of your relationship and the circumstances of the breakup to formulate a plan to get her back.

While I appreciate the fact that every relationship is unique and the totality of the steps that you will need to take to get her back will be unique to your relation, here are some generic tips and strategies that I have used to get partners back:

  1. Accept that getting her back will not happen overnight. Getting her back and keeping the relationship healthy seems to be dependent on the two of you finding some common ground to build the relationship around.
  2. Spend some time reflecting on why the breakup happened. While every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements, if you broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. She says that you did not have anything in common. Do you agree with that assessment?
  3. Try to find the true problems that caused your breakup. I think it is easy to get caught up in the symptoms of the problems instead of focusing on the root problem itself. Try to find the root cause so you can fix it.
  4. Make sure that both of you want to get back together for the right reasons. If you want to get back together because you are sad or lonely or do not like being single, you should probably reconsider. However, if you still love her, then it is worth trying to get her back by showing her you still care and that you believe things can be better this time.
  5. Take time for some self-reflection. Try to focus on how you can change to fix the things about yourself that contributed to the breakup of the relationship in the first place. Will it be possible to move past these things?
  6. Make the appropriate changes in yourself. This may not be easy, but I think it is necessary if you want your relationship to be better than the last time. If you do not make the changes, you will get the same results as last time.

I want you to understand that you are changing for you, not for her. Hopefully, once she sees how hard you are working to make yourself a better person, she will want to give the relationship another chance also.

  1. Work to build your self-esteem. Take this opportunity to really invest in yourself and love yourself. I believe the better your self-esteem, the better prepared you will be to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship without being needy, demanding, or clingy.
  2. If, after reflecting on your problems and your own role in the failed relationship, you feel that you will both benefit from getting back together by working individually and together to solve problems, then it is time to reach out and get in touch with her to try to lay some ground rules for repairing the relationship.
  3. To get started, it is time to have an open, honest discussion. There is no surefire way to know if she wants to get back together without asking her.

Be sure to ask her if she still has feelings for you also before you start talking about wanting to get back together. If she does not, there is not much you can do about it.

  1. If she agrees to give the relationship another chance, you both need to take steps to make sure that the same problems that caused your last breakup will not interfere with your relationship again. Talk to each other about what kinds of conflicts you have had in the past and how you could deal with them more appropriately going forward. Remember relationships take time and are built on trust, honesty, and communication.
  2. Focus on moving forward – whether you get back together with your ex-girlfriend or not. If you do succeed in getting back together, do not dwell on past wrongs or spend time blaming each other for what went wrong. Instead, focus on discussing what each of you needs from the relationship and discuss how to help each other get it. Focus on what you want moving forward rather than on what you did or did not do in the past.
  3. Have a game plan. If the two of you decide to give the relationship another try, have a clear game plan in place to help you move forward.

Determine specifically what each of you needs and wants from the relationship and figure out how the two of you can help each other get that.

Set reasonable expectations with regard to your responsibility for attending to those needs and wants.

  1. Apologize. Whether you broke up with her, or she broke up with you, an apology is always appropriate. I think an apology shows her that you are capable of swallowing your ego, and that you care enough to tell her you were wrong.
  2. Be patient. I believe patience is a virtue and you should know that. Do not get tired showing that you really want her back.

While I think you can get your ex back, I would be remiss if I did not tell you that sometimes it does not work out. Unfortunately, not all attempts at reconciliation are successful.

If she is hesitant about giving you another shot right now, you might say something like, “You know, I miss you and want you back. If you want to try again you know where to reach me.” Then as much as it hurts, you must walk away, let her be, and focus on moving yourself forward.

You might find these resources helpful:

Article #: 500239
Category: Dating/Relationship

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