We’re not in a relationship, but every time we go out drinking one of us gets jealous and we have a huge, embarrassing fight.
Oh my, says our elder. Sounds like it’s time you had “the talk”.
So I’ve been dealing with this man for over four years now. We have never been in an actual relationship. But our friendship is deep. We share a lot of the same things, like losing our mothers at a young age. We get along for the most part but one thing that always starts our arguments is going out. When we go to family events, bars, clubs, whatever, if it involves drinking alcohol and being around a lot of people we fight like cats and dogs. It’s a mixture of both of our jealousy and not being committed, so we both end up not having a good time and being embarrassing. His sister is having a party this Saturday and I don’t want to be the embarrassing couple fighting. What should we do to change this?
Constance F replies
Well I think you know the answer to this one! First, don’t drink. As hard as that maybe, if drinking causes the jealousy monster to come out of hiding, then don’t do it. And both of you will need to agree on this. It won’t work if one person doesn’t drink and the other does, because the one who does will still go into green-eyed monster mode after a few cocktails.
Second, well before the party, make time to sit down and really talk about this phenomenon. Examine your feelings for one another. If it’s only a friendship, then there shouldn’t be the level of emotion that you describe. If there’s a deeper attraction than either of you have let on to each other, then you need to decide if you both want to take it to the next level. If you don’t, that’s OK, but then neither has the prerogative of starting a fight over perceived jealousy.
I also advise that both of you think about your true feelings prior to “the talk”. Or if you can’t, then have “the talk” with the understanding that you will be revisiting anything that doesn’t get resolved. If you don’t have a resolution, then don’t drink at the party. You might be pleasantly surprised how different the evening will end. Best wishes for a pleasant event.
Letter #: 415512