Naturally, I’m gobsmacked. You have a right to feel angry, says our elder. But you are doing the right thing in staying away from him.
I met this guy in the summer of 2017. We started off dating casually until things got serious between us. We had numerous back and forths and we rekindled our flame in January. Things just felt a little different this time. I kept having dreams about him getting married. It was so weird but felt so real. I would ask him about it and he would call me crazy for thinking he could be married or about to be.
Until one day, everything just fell into my lap. All the evidence from one little Facebook click. He was engaged to be married to another woman in another country. I asked calmly so I wouldn’t scare him away, I needed the truth and he admitted to it. Engaged. I told him to pick me up the next day and honestly, I only had plans to beat him up, pepper sprays him, and tase him. But, before I went to bed I sent a message telling him that I want nothing to do with him and he was dead to me and blocked him from all means of communication and he won’t see me again.
It’s been three days now and it’s taking everything in me to control my anger. I feel unhinged. Most of all, why hasn’t he tried to contact me? Apologize? Explain to me what’s going on? Shouldn’t I get my moment to cry and scream at him? I’m sure this message seems like I am calm, but I feel so angry that I feel still. I feel like he broke me to another level. I know it’s easy to say forget about him, he doesn’t deserve me. But, I want answers. Should I go to him? Or just leave it alone? I feel so sad for myself. So sad. Do you think he will ever explain to me why he lied? when he got engaged? If he ever was going to tell me? Should I send a message to his fiance? We’ve been together for three years and having unprotected sex. Almost had a baby together. I just can’t believe this is happening to me. You really only hear about these mishaps in movies. I can’t believe this is my life. What should I do?
I am so sorry this happened to you. You loved your boyfriend, and he betrayed you, and there is no more shattering experience than this. With one little click, your whole world collapsed, and you want to know how this could have happened. You are both enraged and devastated and hope that either an apology or an explanation from him will help you make sense out of this mess and give you some peace of mind. I wish for your sake that this were true — but it isn’t. It pains me to have to say this, but, under the circumstances, no amount of “sorry” will reduce your pain. Nor is there any possible explanation that he could give you for having a fiancé that would minimize the magnitude of his deception.
I don’t know why he did what he did. Maybe he craved excitement and danger; maybe it gave him a sense of power and control; maybe he convinced himself that what he was doing was OK; maybe he’s a dyed-in-the-wool sociopath who cares more about getting his own needs met than about hurting other people. The common factor in all of these explanations though is that he is all about himself. He may even have used the trust you placed in him against you. Narcissists, after all, are not only experts at mimicking emotion, they also tend to zero in on highly empathic people.
I get that you’re extremely angry. You certainly have every right to be. But while most of your anger is correctly directed at your boyfriend, a small part of it may also be directed at yourself — for seeing the signs and ignoring them and for allowing him to be able to go on lying to you for so long. Looking back, you may feel that you should have trusted your gut more. You may feel that you should have stuck to your guns and not rekindled the flame again. But you had no way of knowing what he was hiding from you. Not being a liar yourself, you couldn’t fathom the extent of his deception. When your spidey sense about him being married or about to be married to someone else started kicking up, he gaslighted you, telling you your suspicions were crazy.
The bottom line here is that you got taken in by a master manipulator. And while I agree that it would have been more satisfying to tase him or beat him up, I feel you did the 100 percent right thing by telling him he was dead to you. I urge you not to exhume the dead body of this relationship by giving him the chance to offer you an apology or an explanation. In my opinion, that is a courtesy he does not deserve. On the other hand, if you feel that there’s a chance that his fiancé may not be aware of what he’s been up to with you during their engagement, then by all means, give her a heads up. Just be prepared for the fact that she may not heed your warning. He may play off your telling her this as the vindictive action of a jilted ex-lover — and she may choose to believe him.
I know you are hurting bad now, but there will be no comfort to you in anything he has to say. Could you possibly believe him anyway? Trust me: you will eventually heal from this. And when you do, you will be tougher and wiser. In future relationships, you will be more inclined to listen to your gut.
I hope this helps. I am always here if you’d like to talk more about this. Please try to write back if you can to let me know what you decide to do and how things work out for you. I will be thinking of you.
Letter #: 459349