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Am I being too picky?

I can’t see a future with my boyfriend and I feel like I’m drowning. 

It’s time to be honest with yourself, and with your boyfriend, says our elder. And, no – you are not too picky at all.

 

Dear EWC

Hello! I am in a relationship; it’s been four years now. I’ve been diagnosed with depression for a while now. My boyfriend recently went to a doctor on my advice and turns out he had major depression. The thing is, I was never sure about this relationship. He was my only friend in university and I didn’t want to lose him (and maybe I was afraid of being alone.) That is how it started. Last year I had a break up with him but it was terrible. My whole friend group surrounded him (because they thought he was more sensitive. Also he was complaining about them all the time. Because of that I moved away from them and spent my time with him mostly). I was in a very bad situation mentally so in two or three weeks I went back to this relationship. We are good friends but in this relationship I can’t see a future. Main issue is his family has some problems and also their political view is… I can say that we have different cultures (my family has some ongoing problems too). Also I am in med school and I must study most of my time. I am feeling like I am drowning. What should I do? He is not a bad partner; maybe I am being too picky?

 

Loving-Grandmother replies

Firstly, let me congratulate you for writing down your thoughts and sharing them with ElderWisdomCircle. We are very happy to attempt to offer good advice on such issues. You stated your truth in the sentence: “We are good friends but in this relationship I can’t see a future.” This states your feelings succinctly and clearly. You obviously care for this man and have been connected for quite a while. My biggest concern is your sentence: “I am feeling like I am drowning.”  Not a good feeling, right?  

So let’s focus on you for a moment. You mention that you suffer from depression and that you have “never been sure about this relationship.” Please take a moment to write down all of the things you like/love about this man and the relationship on one side of the page. Then, write all the things down on the other side of the page that you can identify as not being the ideal partner for you; or ways in which your needs are not being met by this relationship. Now study that list. Be honest with yourself. If this is not the man for you, then be honest with him. You may have strong feelings of friendship and closeness and not want to lose those parts of the relationship. However, if he is not a good mate for you, then you need to share that feeling with him. It’s a big waste of your time and his time if you two are not good for each other as mates. You know in your heart whether or not this relationship is working for you. Regardless of what your friend group thinks, only you and he can determine if the relationship is healthy and productive for both of you. 

Thinking about your own needs is not a selfish act. It is a generous act. If you are not going to be completely committed and present in this relationship then you are doing both of you a favor by facing that truth. Regardless of your decision about whether or not to stay in the relationship, by being honest and sharing your innermost feelings with him, there will be growth on both sides. If he can’t handle the truth of your feelings, that will be another sign for you to realize he may not be the best choice for an intimate relationship. It really sounds like you are good friends and I hope that part of the relationship can survive. Do what is best for you! Take time to carefully analyze your feelings and then share them with this person. You’ll feel better by being honest. I bet that will help you get over the feeling of drowning. Truth can do that. And finally, you are not being too picky! You deserve the best. And, by the way, thank you for your service to become a medical doctor and help the world. 

Article #: 472510

Category: Dating/Relationship

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