So why do I keep accusing her? A letter writer has trust issues, and it’s damaging his relationship.
Work on yourself before attempting to fix things, says our elder.
Dear EWC
Lately I’ve been talking to a girl for a while named Kya. She’s really amazing and I’ve been super happy with the time I’ve spent with her. Unfortunately my past caught up to me with the times of being cheated on and lied to and it affected my talking with Kya. I’d ask her questions about who she’s with and where she’s going. I’d constantly bother her trying to get more and more information and accuse her of going to cheat on me and just be a total dick to her. Until recently we were planning to hang out with her and her sister but when I got in the car we started arguing and she told me to leave. So I left. And now we’re no longer “talking” and although I’m trying to fix things. I don’t know what to do. Not only about her, because I’d love a relationship with her and to fix this, but to fix my trust issues. My worrying about losing her to another guy and accusing her of things she’s not even doing out of pure impulse. I want to control it and to stop with the questions and to possibly fix things with her. But I understand it’ll take time and possibly not be fixed at all. But even if it isn’t fixed, I’d like to be better going into my next relationship. Any advice helps. Thanks.
Here4U replies
In my opinion you do have something that is working in your favor and that is that you are aware that what you are doing is not working.
I believe that you are making Kya pay for the mistakes made by your past girlfriends and that is not fair to her. You are intentionally jeopardizing a relationship with someone who you find to be amazing and who makes you super happy to be with. I believe most people would be more than content with that, yet you do not seem to be. I think the reason is because you are always expecting the worst which leaves you unable to fully appreciate what you have.
It sounds as if you have accused her of cheating on you although she has not given you any reason to think so. No one likes to be accused of something that they have not done. Even though you make these accusations about her I do not think you even believe them. I believe that this really has very little to do with her, yet it has everything to do with you and your feelings of insecurity. I believe that there is a good possibility that you purposely drive women away so that you can “get them before they can get you.”
In my opinion, the only way that you can begin to enjoy this relationship or any other is if you start to believe in yourself. I believe that you need to accept that you are deserving of a happy relationship with an amazing woman. All women are not going to be like the women from your past. You evidently made some poor choices back then, yet instead of expecting all women to treat you as they did, I suggest that you learn from your past and make better choices in the women you date.
I also believe that the more you will believe in yourself and all that you have to offer, the less likely you will always be focusing on losing your woman to a better guy. What if you started believing that you are that better guy and you are not going to lose her as you are good enough? I also believe that women will be more attracted to this type of an attitude, as most people find confidence to be one of the most attractive qualities in a person.
When a man behaves in a way that shows that he does not believe that he is good enough, it makes the woman question if he is. You have said that you are super happy when you are with Kya, but do you think that she is when you question her over and over about where she has been and with who and then you accuse her of cheating. Do you think this behavior makes her think that you are a self-assured, confident and appealing man? Do you think being with you is enjoyable for her? I believe you know the answers.
In my opinion, before you even consider attempting to fix things with her you need to first work on improving yourself. I believe that you need to build up your self-confidence and work on your trust issues. For you to move forward, you need to let go of the past and leave it where it belongs. I also believe that if one wants to be with an amazing woman, they need to believe that they are an amazing man.
I am not a professional in this area. However there are many resources available to you. You could go to:10 Things Confident People Do Differently in Dating and Relationships. (The information applies to both men and women). It is at:
https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/confident-people-differently-dating-relationships/
You could also go to: 7 Important Relationship Lessons from Confident People. It is at:
https://www.readunwritten.com/2019/07/30/7-relationship-lessons-confident-people/
If you still feel a need to reach out to Kya, I would suggest that you do so only to apologize to her as I believe that is all she would want to hear from you at this time. I also think that in doing so you will be a better man; however, until you have worked on yourself and really become a better man, I do not believe you should be involved in a relationship as you will likely only repeat your past behavior of making constant accusations. After you have improved yourself, I believe that you will find that your relationships will be so much more enjoyable and that you will truly appreciate the one you are with and you will be appreciated for the man that you have become.
Article #: 477197
Category: Dating/Relationship