He only chats to her online, but it’s ruining my sleep. Am I right to be worried?

I’m not surprised you’re losing sleep, says our elder. He needs to address the issue.

 

Dear EWC

Hello, I do need advice because I cannot sleep for a week now. I am awake till dawn every dawn and cannot function normally. Here is the deal. I met my bf four months ago. We were dating for two months and somehow started living together. It was a thing at first glance. At one point, he mentioned he has an ‘online girlfriend’ with a teasing smile. He told me it is nothing too serious, and that they were just killing time. She has a boyfriend, and they were just chatting. I told him, well it is time to tell her that it is done, as you have me, and he told me, well I cannot do that like fast, because I do not want to break her heart. I thought about how nice he is.

We started living together and I just had some concerns, you know, inner voice. I sat one day behind his laptop and went through all his files. Of course, I found a file with her pictures and pretty kinky messages. Also, I found they were talking about how they will get married and to have kids. My heart broke. I confronted him, and he deleted the files. Few days later, I found out something with her is his WhatsApp status. He changed it. That is the point where I stopped sleeping. At three in the morning a message came. I opened it and it was her. Sending some kind of silly video, something stupid. I woke him up and he told me, it is rubbish and nothing important. In the morning he deleted his Instagram account and WhatsApp. Again, no sleep. Every time he is on the cell, I think he may be talking to her. I went through his files again and found out that again something liked to her is his Facebook password. 

Now my question. What do you think? Did he really get carried away (they never had a contact in person) and that because he was single for seven years it may be the reason he just got carried away? Do I need to have doubts? I have serious trust issues with him at this point. How to solve this, what to say? Every time I start something, he just starts to brag me, “You are the most wonderful, the best, the kindest, and absolutely amazing,” but I do not believe it anymore. I do love him, he is important, but should I just leave all this. I do not know what to do because it is happening for the first time. I never had issues with trust or jealousy. Please, please, please help.

 

Danray replies

I’m sorry to hear that you are having trouble sleeping at night. I think anyone can understand your concern regarding your boyfriend’s behavior and why this can keep you up at night. It was appropriate that you’ve brought this issue to his attention but some reason this other woman continues to be an issue. So what do you do?

If you search the web for signs of a healthy/happy relationship, you’ll see a number of traits including trust and support for one another, open and honest communication, compromise, respect, etc.  I think you’ll have to agree that a number of these traits are missing from your relationship. Clearly, you’ve lost trust in your boyfriend, and I would suggest that he’s not showing open and honest communication. He’s hiding information from you, and I suspect he’s not being honest to the other woman either. Your boyfriend is not supporting you or your relationship. 

You have a choice at this point. You can try to make your current relationship work or decide it’s time to move on. If you want to try again, you’ll need to sit down with him one more time and clearly explain your feelings and why what he’s doing is wrong. Don’t let him tell you that, “You are the most wonderful, the best, the kindest, and absolutely amazing”, he’s not addressing the issue and frankly I get the opinion that he’s patronizing you. If he doesn’t agree/understand and/or continues to be in touch with this woman, then I would suggest you leave. If he sincerely agrees to change, stops all communication with this woman and apologizes for his previous actions, then you may want to give him another chance. 

In summary, it’s important that you accept the fact that your boyfriend is not currently supporting a healthy and happy relationship. His actions have lost your trust and to this point hasn’t truly acknowledged or addressed this issue. You have a choice to make since your relationship can’t continue in this way. I would hope that he’s willing to change but you may need to accept the fact that he’s just not ready for a committed relationship. 

Hope this helps and I wish you the best going forward. 

Article #: 470432

Category: Dating/Relationship