But I do love my boyfriend!
Our elder has some suggestions for a letter writer who is torn between two men. Perhaps it’s time to fly solo for a while?
I broke up with this guy two years ago I was madly in love with. Once I left him, I began to question why I even did it. Then I accepted the fact we are not meant to be. Now after a year of being single and waiting around stalling, I fell in love with another guy, but after six months of being together, all I can think of is my ex. I don’t know what to do or if I should do anything at all. I feel like my heart belongs to my ex, but now I’m stuck in a relationship I don’t know if I’m ready for. I love my boyfriend but all we do is fight. Most of the time I have no sex drive for him at all. And it has nothing to do with him – it’s me. I’m the confused one. I’m so comfortable near my boyfriend; I literally love him. But I believe my ex is my soulmate. I don’t know what I need to do or what I should do.
Ms. Mary replies
I understand why you are so confused. Keep in mind, even though you feel like your life is falling apart; nothing is going seriously wrong. Life continually presents us with challenges. No matter how upset and confused you are now, know that all is well. This experience will enrich your life in the long run. Don’t worry about making a mistake. You can’t make a mistake, because you never get it done. There are always new options that will present themselves to you as you move forward.
You probably don’t want to hear this, but it may be that neither of these guys is right for you. It is very common to think about a previous flame when you are in a relationship with another guy. The more you focus on your last love, the more you romanticize him. I’ve been there, done that. It is easy to remember all the good things about the relationship and ignore the bad. I think part of it is human nature, thinking the grass is always greener and wanting what we can’t have. However, in my experience, once you go back, it’s great at first, but over time, the old issues resurface. I’ve come to believe that once a relationship ends, it will no longer serve you; you are ready for more.
Feeling that you are stuck with your boyfriend is a problem. Do you think that your lack of sex drive is because you are thinking of your ex? Or, wouldn’t you feel sexually attracted anyway? Does your boyfriend feel more like a friend than a lover? As long as you truly believe that your ex is your soulmate, that will prevent you from appreciating your boyfriend. Do you think you’d feel different about him had you never been with your ex? If you go back to your ex, you’d likely miss him terribly.
You are at a crossroads. Are you confident enough to believe that there is a guy out there who is a better fit for you? Are you secure enough to be alone? It seems that you believe that these two guys are your final options. The other option would be to start dating again. I think that would be the best option, but I doubt you will agree. It takes a lot of courage to go solo. I completely understand if you aren’t ready for that.
Bottom line, unless you can get your ex out of your mind, I think you need to leave your boyfriend. It isn’t fair to him that you believe someone else is your soulmate, and it isn’t fair to you to be with someone you aren’t attracted to (even though you love him). If your heart tells you that you want to be with your ex, then go back to him (if he agrees). The worst-case scenario is that it doesn’t work out. At least you know for sure that he isn’t the one – no harm in that. Then you are free to find a man who has all the best qualities of both. Finding the right guy is a process. You learn more about what is important to you from every relationship. That basis of comparison is necessary.
I went through some devastating breakups; I broke hearts and had my heart broken along the way. I am very grateful for it all. I wouldn’t change a thing. Had I stayed with any of my other boyfriends, I never would have found my incredible husband. None of the other guys I loved can compare, though I would never have believed that at the time.
I know this decision must be tearing you apart. I feel for you. It is such a difficult situation. If you aren’t ready to make a decision yet, then stay with your boyfriend. Things will soon get better or worse. If they continue to get worse, you will know that you must leave him in order to be happy. I’m so sorry there isn’t an easy answer to your problem. The important thing is to know that even though this problem seems overwhelming, everything will eventually work out. Life has an uncanny way of surprising us – often with new people and circumstances.
I’m happy to talk with you further. Wishing you clarity, confidence, happiness, and true love as you move forward, dear girl.
Article #: 464563