My girlfriend and I are on a break, but she’s told me she is unhappy. Should I message her?
Yes, says our elder. You can get in touch without putting pressure on her.
I am a student and I am away from my girlfriend. We are finding it difficult to communicate as we are both busy. Today she sent a long paragraph of reasons why she is sad and not happy. I have helped her in the past with her mental health and been a really good boyfriend but not everyone is perfect. Because we haven’t seen each other for a while and we are both entering different stages in our lives, we are on a break. I am so sad and upset. We both love each other so, so much and I don’t want to lose her. She says she needs time and space but all I can think about is her. I don’t want to lose her. I am always crying and I don’t know if she is because I don’t want to call her or message her to interrupt her time. I am confused and lonely. Please may you help me.
You seem like a really sensitive and supportive person. I understand from your letter that your separation from your girlfriend has helped to create a painful situation for you both. Long distance or separation in relationships is so very difficult. I want to respond to the final two sentences of your letter. You say you don’t know how she is feeling right now because you don’t want to call or message or interrupt her. I would say this is not a good move. You obviously care very much for this person and you should reach out to see how she is doing. You don’t want to put any pressure on her, but you care about her and want to make sure she is handling this situation. You are crying a lot and you are confused and lonely. Perhaps by speaking with her and encouraging her to tell you the truth, you will learn more about this separation and be able to cope better. It might just be a temporary break up. You won’t know unless you connect with her and speak to her. Even if you just end up being friends, this is valuable and you need to know and understand her position in order to deal with it and move on. Don’t put your needs forward to her as she seems somewhat skittish by telling you she needs time and space. So, give that to her, but don’t cut off all communication with her. You need to understand what is going on for your own sanity and well-being. Plus, you care about how she is coping as well. That isn’t putting pressure on her to get back together with you. Just be a good friend and encourage her to be honest and then you might be able to salvage the relationship; even after a break. At least you deserve to have closure and be clear if this really is a breakup or just a break for a short period of time. You both deserve to communicate and share your feelings. I encourage you to reach out.