Why didn’t he chase me?

I met my ideal guy. We kissed. And then… nothing. Am I being foolish? 

Not at all, says our elder. Stop making assumptions, take it slow, and see where it leads.


Dear EWC

Am I being foolish? I met a guy while I was traveling and I really liked him. I was scared to get anything going with someone I like and became distant. At first, he would always hang around me and we’d talk and one night we ended up kissing. It was the best kiss of my life because I really felt so much emotion for him. I was so unsure and became distant and then eventually he did too. I was expecting him to chase me or do something but he didn’t. We didn’t even say bye when I left. It really hurt. We talk sometimes, but not much. My thought is if a guy wants me, he will make it known and pursue me, but he really hasn’t been that way. I’ve been thinking of going back to this place because it is cheap and great for diving. I mentioned it to him and he said I could stay with him, and he said he got a better place now, he cooks healthy, and he even spear fishes. Which honestly is my ideal man. He is hardworking and has many good qualities, but I don’t want to be chasing a man, but I also want to follow my heart. If he felt about me as I do about him, wouldn’t he be more adamant about staying in touch or why didn’t he say something before I left? If I go, I would not stay with him, but I will see him and I am unsure what to do.


CGrace replies

I wouldn’t say you are foolish. You met someone and had what seems like a good connection. It sounds like you are still in touch, although as you said “not that much”. There are so many miscommunications that happen, often because of assumptions we make without really knowing. 

There are a few good rules (called the Four Agreements – which you could look up) and they are to “never take anything personally”, “never make assumptions”, “be impeccable with your word” and “do the best that you can”

You said you were “expecting” him to chase; maybe that’s just not the way he behaves. I would continue to develop the friendship, then if you feel like you are having some good conversations you can possibly make a visit. Start slow, be honest and see where it gets you.

I wouldn’t assume anything about anyone else if you haven’t heard it personally from them. He sounds like a nice guy and you are certainly not “foolish” to want to pursue someone that you like. Listen to your heart, be sensible and slow, just see where it leads. Maybe you could dive together and start there; having a common interest is a great way to develop a friendship.

Article #: 404141

Category: Dating/Relationship

One Comment

  1. Personally, I saw no real problems with any part of your letter except this: “I don’t want to be chasing a man.” I assume you’re a woman, yes? I think this view is a little traditional, and in the era of feminism and gender equality, all genders can pursue all genders, as long as the pursued are okay with this – and all genders should feel free to pursue other people, no matter their gender, especially if you’re a straight woman who has the traditional mindset of wanting the man to pursue you, when you said yourself that you were uncertain so acted distant.

    Perhaps the emotional distance made him uncertain as well? Just because he’s a man doesn’t automatically means he’s bolder or that he’s more eager to risk his heart. Love is a risk, but sometimes you have to take that risk to find more happiness, or wonder forever what if you had said something …? If he is a good man like you said, likely even if he doesn’t want romance, he’d still be willing to be friends if you wanted as long as you made it clear you could be respectful of his feelings.

    Sometimes, the best thing to do when you’re uncertain about a relationship (friendly, romantic, familial, or somewhere in between these) is to sit the other person down and have a good, serious talk. If the person is worth keeping in your life, your relationship shouldn’t be too damaged as a result of the talk.

    I hope this helps, and no offense was meant.

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