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He’s no good, but…

My summer fling keeps popping up and I can’t get him out of my head. 

Stop feeding your crush, says our elder, and let go of the fantasy.

 

Dear EWC

I met a boy in the summer and we had a fun time together. I made it very clear when we met that I did not want a summer fling and he knew that. He later told me that he didn’t want a relationship because he wanted to focus on basketball; I was unsure then what he wanted to do with me. He knew I didn’t want a fling, and he didn’t want a relationship, so I felt like he was using me. He apologized to me and after that we remained friends on social media and rarely talked. I started to miss him, but realized that he wanted to focus on basketball and I wanted to respect that. 

However, now we are in school and he isn’t even playing basketball. I feel like he pops up anywhere I am at school. I want to get over this and move on but having him around so much stops me. I feel like I’m still interested in what he’s doing with his life, despite me distancing myself and unfollowing him on social media. I feel like I’m doing everything I need to in order to get over it, but it’s not working. I know this is my own mind doing this to me and holding on to false hope that he will magically come back into my life and I know that but I don’t think I believe it. I want to move on from this and be secure with just myself. I feel like I’m blinded and thinking that he’s the only guy that I want, and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I know in my head that If he wanted to be like me he would, but I can’t seem to accept it. I know that he’s not the right type of guy for me based on the summer. We had fun but relationship wise, he didn’t seem like the type of boyfriend I need. I know he’s not right for me, but I can’t accept that, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s stopping me and why I’m so attached. I just want him out of my head and I’m wasting my time. I don’t know how to fully accept that nothing will change and this is the way things are: we aren’t friends and don’t speak and nothing romantically will happen. He’s not good for me.

 

Nick replies

You obviously have a clash between your head and your heart and none of this is his doing tbh. Kudos to him for telling you straight up that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. However I agree that his lack of interest in bb now that the school year is underway, when that was his initial reason for not wanting a serious relationship in the summer, only adds to your confusion. But I can assure you that’s pretty typical of guys: what’s their passion and focus one month is not the same the next.

You are having a hard time letting go of him emotionally because if you do, then you have to accept, once and for all, that it really is over. That’s tough to do with a crush. The reason is that crushes exist in fantasy. Because they exist where no real relationship is taking place (or in some instances, realistically possible) the moment you let go of that fantasy you crash back to reality and have to let go of the slimmest of hopes that he may suddenly want to reverse course, rush into your arms and be the guy of your dreams. This is why you keep fueling the fantasy and the hope that before you move on, he will become your guy.

So, you continue to feed this crush by noticing his every move, by continually allowing him to pop up in your daydreams and by convincing yourself that he’s everywhere you are, almost haunting you by his very presence. The reality is that the school can’t ban him or obtain a restraining order to keep him away from you simply because you continue to stoke your feelings for him.

So, what to do? You’ve already taken some healthy steps by deleting him from your social media and from allowing your head to begin to speak to your heart. By this I mean that you are acknowledging that this guy is not the right guy for you because you want commitment and he doesn’t. In this sense you are way ahead of other girls who write to EWC with full blown crushes.

Your next step is to stop feeding the feelings. A wound can’t heal if you keep it open and right now you are keeping open the wound in your heart. You admit you still think about him and long for him. You need to fill up the time you spend pining after him with other activities.

One of those activities is to socialize and date other guys. Instead of setting out to have a committed relationship, I recommend you simply go out with other guys in a casual way. By doing this you will get over putting your life on hold hoping this particular guy will fall into your arms

I recommend you attach something you prefer not doing, to every time you let yourself think of him. For instance, I know some girls who wear a thick rubber band on their wrists and snap it twice pretty hard each time they start thinking about their crush. This way the brain begins to get the message and stops the thoughts before they begin in order to avoid the ‘ouch’. You can develop whatever distraction works for you. Drop and do 10 pushups or force yourself to clean your room or whatever works for you.

I recommend you treat him no differently than you would anyone else when you cross paths. Now, make him just like any other student you bump into instead of attaching any feelings or noticing his every move. Now, begin to divorce your crush feelings from his presence and they will begin to fade.

I recommend you focus on other stuff going on in your life and make plans with friends and/or family for the holidays so you don’t have a glob of time hanging heavy over you. 

I recommend instead of setting out to find a boyfriend – the type you “need” as you say – set out to develop your independence and remind yourself that you shouldn’t be ‘needing’ any type of boyfriend to make you feel whole or complete or happy or tingly. A boyfriend’s role is not to fill-in for what you are lacking or to make you and keep you happy. His role is to enhance the happiness you exude from being self-confident and complete on your own. If you work on yourself as this year unfolds, believe me, you will attract the right kind of guy who is also self-confident and who knows he doesn’t have to be responsible for fulfilling any ‘need’ you might be lacking.

If you implement these recommendations, you will accept that this guy is not the right guy for you, you will become a better version of yourself and you will let go of the fantasy because your new reality will be so much better.

Article #: 432894

Category: Dating/Relationship

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