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His friends hate me

Well, I did cheat on him twice… This letter writer is back with her boyfriend, but his friends have concerns. 

They’re only trying to protect him, says our elder. Give them time.

 

Dear EWC

I cheated on my boyfriend twice during our first month of long-distance dating. We broke up but recently have gotten back together because we love each other. I’m not in a spot where I can be in a committed relationship but I’m going to therapy and taking steps to better myself. He hasn’t broken the news to his close friends because they hate me. I’m seeing him in a month and I’m staying in his apartment. He needs to tell his friend I’m coming but doesn’t know how because they will be extremely disapproving. How should we navigate this? Will our relationship even work with all his friends against me? I understand why they hate me and that they have the right to hate me. I just need honest advice, thanks.

 

Here4You replies

You are human and you made a mistake, a serious one yet also a forgivable one.

In my opinion, the only person whose approval you need is your boyfriend’s and he has forgiven you. It is unfortunate that he shared your unfaithfulness with all of his friends. He has accepted you back into his life, but usually friends and family will not be as willing to do so.                                                                                                                                                  

This really should have been only between you and your boyfriend, however because he did involve his friends, they are now a part of it. I would suggest that, in the future, when you have a problem in your relationship that neither one of you shares it with all of your friends. I believe you should find one close friend who you trust will keep it to themselves to talk with, or even better, a therapist. It rarely works out well after a problem that causes a break up has been revealed to friends and family and then the two people end up back together.                                                                                                                                                       When people who are close to you find out that someone has hurt you, their reaction will almost always be to dislike the person who has caused you the pain, and even though you have forgiven and accepted that person back into your life, it does not mean that they will. If they do, it will take some time. I believe that your boyfriend’s friends are only trying to protect him from what they perceive will be more hurt. 

There are always two sides to every issue, yet his friends have only heard their friend’s side which was probably said when he was very angry at you which likely compounded it. You have said that you understand why they hate you and that they have the right to, which is very mature on your part. I think your attitude will help you from feeling the need to defend yourself to them, which I believe would only result in an argument that would only prolong their dislike for you. I think, at this time, you are going to have to just allow them to have the feelings that they have towards you. 

These are his friends, so I believe that he needs to man up and tell them that you are coming. In my opinion, there is no need for him to have to justify to them why the two are getting back together or to discuss any further with them what happened in the past. I am sure that they will be against you coming, so you are going to have to develop some thick skin during this time.

At first, they will likely just avoid you, however with time, if they are able to see that you make their friend happy, I think that they will come around, but you are going to have to give them time. You and your boyfriend are a team and you will have to stand together during this time. I suggest that you keep your focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I have found that in life, most people’s memories are relatively short when an issue does not pertain directly to them. 

I hope that this has been helpful to you. If in the future you would like advice, please feel free to write again.

I wish you a quick and complete acceptance from all involved.

Article #: 480606

Category: Dating/Relationship

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