We hang out but it doesn’t feel like dating. Is this the guy for me?
Enjoy your time together and take the time to assess the way you feel, says our elder.
Dear elders, I hope you are doing well. Thank you for reading my letter and taking the time to provide advice. I appreciate your advice and perspective. I have been seeing someone for about two months. It is not a relationship I am used to as usually I am used to someone taking me out on dates to show interest and things like that. However, we are in a short-term work arrangement where we all live and work together. So, this guy and I started to spend a lot of time together. From the beginning I was not sure about him. We do have some differences and also, he never has taken me out on a date or paid for a meal, which we had a discussion about and he says the way he shows he cares about others is by spending time with them and it shouldn’t all be about money. He has been there for me in other ways. He helps out and we cook together. Something within me says he is not for me. He is nice and we get on really well. We have fun and like spending time with each other but I just don’t feel he is for me. It is difficult to make this decision as I am not sure what this feeling is. What do you advise? Thank you for your time and advice.
I am confused about why you feel you are pushed to make a decision about this guy. Because you are conflicted about whether or not you really like him, I am hopeful that you are not in a sexual relationship with him. From my Mama-Joan point of view, sex complicates relationships by making you more attached than the relationship warrants and making you want to move forward before you really know if a guy is right for you.
If you are not in a sexual relationship and are just hanging out, I encourage you to enjoy your time together and continue to evaluate whether you want to take the relationship further. I agree that after two months it is odd that you haven’t gone out on dates and that he isn’t showing more interest. Consider taking the initiative and scheduling a “date” doing something that interests you. Tell your guy that you can go Dutch and see how he reacts. If he resists and doesn’t want to go, then I think you have more information for the minus column of your plus and minus analysis.
Even if you decide that this guy is not the one, there is no reason that you can’t enjoy your time together as friends hanging out, cooking, watching TV, etc. If you are having sex with him… stop. Otherwise, you will not be open to new relationships that might be right for you and you’ll continue to try to fit a square peg into a round hole.
I’m proud of you for thinking through your priorities, and not just blindly floating along. I hope my advice gives you some clarity. Please feel free to write again anytime.
Article #: 438491