Following my ex to California

This letter writer is feeling depressed. Could their ex in California be the solution? 

Our elder advises getting to the root of their problems with their current girlfriend first.


Dear EWC

Hi, I’ve been struggling with finding myself and listening to others at the same time. I’ve always been told not to do things just because I like or have feelings for someone. I also wanted to move away to California after school to make a new start and meet new people. I gave up on that and stayed home but ended up falling into a deeper depression then I was already experiencing. I know it might seem like I’m hopping topics but it all comes together. As of now I’m living with my current girlfriend who I’m questioning my relationship with and I have an ex I haven’t spoken to in a few months who lives in California. I believe they are the only person who had my full love and I threw it away years ago. Recently as a friend, I told this ex many times I would try and move there without telling them about any feelings I still had for them hoping they could just be friends and not ruin why we have right now, also never been able to keep my word of moving. I want to know if it’s best to follow my heart and try to get my fresh start and maybe try with my ex again or stay here and get my life together.


AuntAJ replies

There’s a lot to consider here. First, I would ask what the issue is with your current girlfriend that makes you question the relationship. Do you still love her? Do you feel she loves you? What is the reason that’s causing your uncertain thoughts at this time? I think you first need to know that.

As to the friend in California, it sounds like you’re not aware of how she feels about you, so you could be taking a real risk to uproot your whole life in the hopes of starting something with her again, not knowing where she stands. 

I would also advise you that your decision does not have to be one or the other. Perhaps it’s time to be alone for a little bit to get your life together more, and truly know what you want and what you’re looking for so that you can find the best possible match for yourself. It sounds like you value the friendship you have with your ex, so even if you break up with your current girlfriend, you could maintain a friendship with the person in California while you figure out what it is you’re looking for and what is missing. I definitely think I would not make any major move at this moment as far as relocation. 

What were the issues and reasons why the relationship with your ex came to an end? I’m only guessing here, but I’m thinking if you have questions about your current relationship and you feel you threw away the love from the past, is there something in you that fears becoming close to someone and therefore sabotaging the relationship?  

That’s why it would be so important to really know yourself and your heart. We all deserve love and the people that we love deserve for us to be honest with them. I think the most successful relationships are when both people have a clear goal in mind and it’s a common goal.

Choosing the right partner can be a very emotional process and there’s a lot of factors that go into it. But I think it’s worth the effort of knowing what we have to offer in the situation and who best meets the emotional needs we personally have. If you don’t stay with your current girlfriend, I think over time it might be best to hint at what you would like with your ex if that is truly what you want, to see if she is on the same page. 

Article #: 489429

Category: Dating/Relationship

One Comment

  1. Good, kind, sensible advice!

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