His kids come first. That’s OK.

This letter writer understands that her older boyfriend has to put his children first. 

Never mind that, says our elder – it’s the 10-year age gap that worries me.


Dear EWC

Hi there! I’ve been with my boyfriend for about four months now. He is 33 and I’m 19, going on 20 this October. He has two children, and I have none. This does result in us not seeing each other very often, at most two times a week, and sometimes we won’t see each other for two weeks straight. But! None of this bothers me because I am 100 percent understanding of his situation and I get that kids always come first. This isn’t the issue. He always seems to think that when he has to reschedule with me to watch his children that I’m angry at him, even when I say I’m not. And he starts to accuse me of being short and stuff. We’re good at communicating with each other and I’ve made it clear that if I had an issue I would come out and tell him. But I’m not sure how to come forward and talk about this with him. He’s a sweet guy and I care about him and our relationship so much. I know he’s been through a lot when It comes to relationships and that’s why I do my best to make him feel safe and loved. Always. But I wish he’d be more communicative with me instead of just assuming I’m always angry at the fact we can’t see each other because something comes up. How should I approach this? Thanks for reading.


Maryanne replies

I am going to answer a question that you did not ask but that I think is the basis for your communication problems.

It is my opinion that the age difference of 10 years is too great. I am not saying that because it is 10 years but because of the ages you are and where you each are in your life’s journeys. If he was 42 and you were 32 the 10 years would not be as important but a 20-year-old is in a better place than a 30-year-old. Throw into the mix that this 30-year-old has two children and the divide becomes even greater. You, at 20, are just starting your adult life’s journey. He is already in the middle of his. I wonder if you are in school or working?  Do you have a plan, a career, etc.?

I am sorry if my words seem harsh to you today, but I am thinking of what is good for you. I do not think this is the relationship for you. I know it is difficult to end a relationship but I think you might want to really consider if this is what you want. I do feel that your communication problems also stem from your age difference and the differences in your life experiences. For heaven’s sake, he is bringing up two children and you have just left childhood. I know at 20 you feel as though you are an adult but you are just starting your adult path. What kind of activities do you do with this man? Do you have similar interests? Also, it sounds to me as though you do not see him often enough to have a real relationship. I am also concerned when someone’s life revolves totally around the other person because I think that is not a healthy way to live. On the other hand, never seeing him more than twice a week and not seeing him for two weeks straight – I am not sure about that. It sounds like how often you see him is really his choice and I do not think that is a good thing. I wonder, when you are not seeing him, are you living a full life or are you just waiting around for him to call? Who is making the choices in this relationship? It is good that you respect the fact that his children come first and that is the way it should be. I can tell you are a good person. But you also deserve to be respected and shown how important you are to his life.

I just am not sure about this. I think you should really consider if this is the relationship that you want. I am sorry I could not be more supportive today but I am talking to you as I would to my own daughter. I am trying to look out for you.

I hope that everything works out the way you want it to but try to think about what you really want for your future.

Take care and do please write again if you would like to talk further.

Article #: 490777

Category: Dating/Relationship

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