My girlfriend says I need a spanking — and now I’m worried that she’s been discussing it with our moms. I doubt it, says our elder, but it sounds like your girlfriend might be a bit obsessed.

My girlfriend told me that when she was younger she spanked her brother and some boys she was babysitting on the bare butt. I blushed big time. I am sure she saw me blush. I acted totally surprised. She said, “Did your mom never spank you?” My mother spanked me as a child but never on the bare bottom and never in front of anyone. So I didn’t that to my girlfriend when she asked. She said that I was overdue a spanking then. I told her I was quite OK. But it got me to thinking because my mother is good friends with my girlfriend’s mom and says that my girlfriend should be much stricter with me. Do you think the three of them (my mom, my girlfriend’s mom, and my girlfriend) have already discussed it?

Purple-Finch replies

Oh my. In a word — no, I don’t think they have discussed it. But you say you blushed and you did not say why. Was it because you were rather horrified? I was horrified also when I read your letter, but only mildly. And the mildness was only because I too was spanked as a child. Not on a bare butt, but my brother did spank me once as part of an old ritual known as “birthday spanking,” which was common back in the 1950s. Thank goodness it has fallen out of favor.Now when my brother spanked me, it was on a bare butt and he left bruises. So clearly this was abusive behavior on his part. He was eight years old than I was, so there wasn’t much I could do about getting away from him.

I am not sure how old you are, but have you given any thought to how you will behave with your own children? I hope you will give that some thought. It can be easy (as a parent) to just grab a child and inflict whatever punishment you endured. And so the abusive (in my opinion) behavior continues. But if you think in advance about how you want to parent your children, then you can have much more control over how you behave.

So — I don’t think anyone had any previous discussions about this, but I do think your girlfriend may be a bit obsessed with spanking. What she said about your being due for one sounds to me like a nasty threat. Even if she says she was “just kidding,” I still think it sounds like a nasty threat. If you want no part of it, just tell her. Figure out what you want and let her know — whether we are talking about sexual behavior between you two or how you together might raise any children. If she thinks children ought to be hit, give that a lot of thought. If she thinks they should not, listen to that also. But if you want children when you are older, you will have to think about how your child-raising techniques and your wife’s match (or do not match). If this young lady’s patterns are not your style, I would suggest you look elsewhere.

Letter #: 435742
Category: Dating/Relationship